Finding a Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I've been homeschooled since 3rd grade, havn`t had much luck with the ladies in the least, I've had 2 actual girlfriends throughout my short life of 18 years, both of them went wrong, and I`m not sure if they were my fault for not being good enough, or just their own desires.

First girlfriend I had was when I was 13, we went out for about a year, everything was good, good communication, no jealousy, and hardly ever any arguements. The last day I saw her was on Valentines, I went to her house to give her some roses, nobody anwsered the door, but it was open, so I went in to lay them down with the note. I heard my girlfriend up in her room with who I thought I heard was a friend of mine and some other people, so I went up and found her butt naked with 3 other girls. I left the house and havn`t talked to her or my friend that was with her since, now I know being that young didn`t mean much because I didn`t have a lot of knowledge on relationships, but I felt like I did something wrong like I wasn`t good enough, but time passed and I forgot about it.

Later that year (about 6 months) I started dating another girl, she was perfect to me, very cute, smart, interested in the same things, never not one problem, after we turned 16 having cars the relationship boomed with excitement, but after 6 months of being 16 now November, we were getting really bored (oklahoma doesn`t have much to offer for young couples...), our activities leaned more towards making out and anything of that sort, and it didn`t feel like I thought it should have, we were happy and all ... but never had that "wow" feeling anymore.

Later that month around turkey day she asked me one night to go all the way with her ... already worried about never doing anything together and thinking about it for a while I ended up telling her no ... it wasn`t easy in the least ... I told her I didn`t want the relationship to revolve around sex like everything else we`d been doing latly did. She was mad for a little while, but calmed down and called me later telling me I did the right thing for us when I said no, and everything went back to normal. We went out more, Christmas rolled around and gave a new spark with romance, everything was great.

We went to go see the movie Ali when it came to theaters. That night she wouldn`t even hold my hand ... she hardly even spoke to me. The next day she has her friend call me and tell me she`s pregnant. The same night after I told her no to sex, she went to a party after I drove her home, found a guy to sleep with (not hard with her looks), no protection or anything. She got on the phone and said she never wanted to see me again, that it was my fault ... that if I said yes she wouldn`t have "needed" it from somebody else ... and hung up.

I was torn apart in my mind. I was engulfed in fury no matter what I thought about it all came back to her ... it was all in vain. I jumped in my car and went out north of town, I was speeding like I never had before, pulling 160MPH on straightaways, and whatever I felt like I could handle around bends ... until finally on my way back to town going around a small bend still speeding, there was a car on the other side of the road. I could see the womans face in fear holding her arm in front of her child bracing for a collision ... at this point my heart stopped, i had instantly realized how stupid i was, i did the only thing i knew i could do, and cut my wheel the opposite way sending my car off the road, flipping, smashing, and totaling out my car.

I broke 5 ribs when the steering colum was forced into the car further with the steering wheel pinning me to the seat, busted my head open pretty good when I hit my head on the glass t-top, and some other stuff, those were the two major injuries. After a week and a half at the hospital, I had only one friend to call (known him since KD when I was in public school), and didn`t recieve much comfort. I told him about my girlfriend and he was "just to busy" to talk at the time. All the time I spent in the hospital thinking about was how stupid I was for the accident and for saying no to her. It felt like the last girlfriend i had, that i wasn`t good enough, that anybody i had my heart set on always ended up with somebody else because of something i did wether it was direct or not, Iv`e always been the one to blame.

I would hardly eat,get up out of bed,even walk the dog,not because of my injuries, i just didn`t have the energy,without her i felt so weak,i became suicidle inside a couple months, took a whole bottle of sleeping pills hopeing never to wake up, but instead my stomach was pumped and i had an ulcer so large the docter told me i`d die within an hour of enternal bleeding if it ever ruptured, and to this day iv`e stayed away from most all spicey foods. But because of that and my accident,somebody called me in to the police,don`t know who,but yeah,and by order of the judge,i was considered a danger to myself,my family,and the community around me,I was sent to a rehab center for 6 months (i will NEVER go there again...),when i was released home i was to attend therepy once a week for a year wich i just recently graduated from early a couple months ago because i wasn`t showing any signs of suicide or depression,there wasn`t anything more they could do for me.

What i wasn`t taught was how to deal with the pain from all this,i was told i`d be fine,but now working at grociery store,i see so many couples my age walk through there with nothing but a smile on their face...and it tears me up inside...i become extremely jealous of it,all i tell myself about it is "i`ll die before i ever care again",but i know i`m wrong,i`m past my last girlfriend for sure,but i still don`t go hardly a day by without feeling the effects of the therepy and everything else that went along with it,it makes me feel unnatural,and i don`t have anybody to vent to... *pretends you don`t notice this already from my E_Mail*...

I just don`t know what to do,I`m trying to get into better shape and such,eating healthier,everything i can think of to help me for the better,but anybody that knows about my therepy of knows of somebody that told them about it stays completely away from me...nobody is giving me the chance to show them i`m not the same person as before....i thought 18 would be so different,that people would treat me normal...but it`s still the same as before,for the longest time i never missed not having many friends because you can`t miss something you`v never known,being homeschooled for so long did that to me,but now i feel like there`s something missing...and seeing people so happy makes me want to puke half the time,nothing makes sense to me in a social world.

Since last August iv`e had one friend i could vent to,and she`s taken a liking to me,she`s very cute,smart,funny,no personality traits that contriveins with my own,but everytime i go to meet her she`s never there,she tells me all these things she feels about me,but she never follows up on anything offside of the internet...iv`e talked to her twice on the phone,and saw her once driving through town,and thats it aside from the internet,but she shows emotion and reacts like everything is really there,i just found out from her that she got a new job at a mall,and told me wich store,I don`t know if thats an invotation to come see her at work,or if it was just something to talk about at the time,I`m really interested in this girl...but I`m scared to feel relaxed with the though that everything will be alright with this one,she`s one of the cutest girls iv`e ever seen....and it makes me feel insecure that she`d want anything to do with me...and her blowing me off all those times makes that feeling the better half of how i feel about it...i just don`t want to hurt anymore,but both ways i find myself hurting,wether i`m alone and always wanting to be with a girl,or wether i`m with her and the same thing could happen again...i just don`t know what i need or can do to brighten the situation,is it just that i`m not around people enough and have a hard time trusting because of social deprivation and my regrets from the past,or is this just a lot of mental obstacles i need to hurdle over?

Whoever took the time to read all this has more patients than any man or woman iv`e heard of,and I thank you from the bottem of my heart for being here to help me and others like me who ether simply don`t know or just need a kick in the pants to remind them about taking off the blindfold when anylising a situation.THANK YOU!! Advice
Well first off, you have been through a ton, and you have taken a lot on yourself that is not your fault at all.

Most guys break up with TONS of girls as they go through puberty!! It's part of growing up. You learn what works and what doesn't work. And it's a hard fact of life that many people you date will be jerks, because they are barely figuring out what THEY want out of life during this process.

With both of your girlfriends you acted with honor and compassion. Girlfriend #1 - you were bringing her roses and caught her cheating. SHE was cheating on YOU. She was wrong, period. You were completely right to be upset, completely right to stalk out. Who knows, she may be more mature now. But she was wrong, wrong, wrong to go fooling around with anyone else when she had made a commitment to you.

Girlfriend #2 was even worse. Not only did she cheat on you - but then she BLAMES you??? You know, LOTS of girls don't sleep with someone until they marry the guy. For her to claim that she was so weak and selfish that she "had to sleep with someone" is about as childish a statement that I have ever heard. She sleeps around - but it's not her fault?? I really hope for her child's sake that she grows up soon. Because it sounds like she's not even old enough to take care of herself yet, never mind someone else. You were VERY good to be rid of her.

So yes, you found two girls and both turned out to be jerks. That's OK! That's normal. We all date tons of jerks before we find the right person. Again it's part of life. You can't blame yourself or go into overdrive when that happens. You have to say to yourself, "Well, I learned something here, I won't make that mistake again" and go on with life. Heck, you're only 18!! Many people haven't even dated by the time they are 18 and just start dating in college. So consider this your fresh start, that you are going to go out into the world and find new friends and new females in your life.

I would also find a therapist to continue to talk to. Sure you don't have a MANDATED therapist in your life now. But many, many people in your situation have a therapist just to deal with the normal issues of life. That would give you someone to talk to, to get feedback from, and to learn that life is a journey. You hit bumps in it. But you pick yourself up and go on. That's what makes it exciting.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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