please help me get him back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
my ex and i we're together for just over 14 months. the first 8 months were bliss, we never had one fight. he's one of those people who doesn't really say much but i seemed to be able to reach him and he opened up to me. his dad was recently diagnosed with bowl cancer and this affected him quite badly as he's very close to him. he also got quite badly bullied when he was younger and has some anger issues although he was never agressive or anything like that towards me. he's training to be a pilot and had to go abroad for a few months for training. we agreed to stay together and although it was very tough and we bickered about petty things we managed 2 pull through and stay together. after 3 months he flew back to suprise me. he was always very generous with gifts and suprises like that. he was back for just over a week and that week was amazing. everything just clicked back into place and it was great. he then left to go back for more training and although that was hard and we did bicker a bit it was no where near as hard as it had been before. he sent me a text everyday that he was away and we rang each other at least once a week, i also wrote to him and sent him packages. he said that being away from me and then having that week back with me had made him realise how much he needed me in his life. then after just over a month he came back for two months. things were different, he seemed different, but he hadn't really had a great experienece while he was away, he had been bullied and i guess it was a big ajustment for him. i just passed it off and the first few weeks were great, blissful even but then just after christmas we were both hit with what i can only describe as the january blues. we were both just down and unhappy for no real reason that we could see. on one occassion i was very upset and rang him crying because i needed someone to talk to. my credit ran out after a few minutes but he never rang me back. needless to say i was quite upset. i had been down and needed to talk to him but he hadn't been there for me. later that night he sent me a text asking if i was ok. the following day things between us were a bit off. i text him later that evening saying that i wanted to just call it a quit. refering to the tension between us. he however took this as calling a quit to our relationship. he replied that he wasn't happy in general with his life and thought that we should break up. i rang him that night and he broke up with me officially over the phone. we agreed to meet up the following day to talk. i asked him to reconsider and to at least try and see if we could work on our relationship. but he said no. that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. we both cried and he told me that he still wanted to be friends. he always wore a ring that i had gotten for him engraved with both of our names and the date that we got together and he said that he was still always going to wear it. he also has photos of me in his room which he said he was still going to keep up. we parted on good terms but i still wanted to be more than friends. he rang me every evening the week that followed just to chat but then he stopped. i'd say it was probably because i kept on asking him to get back with me. so then for a few days there was no contact between us and he sent me a text just saying hi and asking how i was. his mom and i got on very well and she was very annoyed with him when he broke it off and told him that he'd never get another girl as good as me. we've been in contact a bit. and she told me that he has been very down and won't really talk to anyone. his best friend broke up with his girlfriend a few days before he broke up with me and they had been hanging around alot together and both seemed to be quite down. i didn't really know where i stood. to me it seemed like he wanted to get back with me between the ring and the photos and him being down. so with advice from his mom i arranged to meet up with him to talk. i basically told him that i still loved him and that i was miserable without him and asked him if he'd think about getting back. he declined again. he said that he really missed me but that it was my companionship that he missed and not our relationship. and that he really did want to be my friend. i'm completely lost without him. he said that he didn't want a girlfriend at the moment and i asked him that when he did would he consider me and he said he would. i'm not interested in anyone else i just want him back. i know i'm driving my friends mad with all this but i really am stuck i just don't know how to get him back. i've been talking to him a few times over instant messenger and i asked him if we could ever be together again. he told me that i needed to give him space that he was feeling crowded by me. that he wanted to be my friend but not my boyfriend. he says this but then why does he still wear the ring and why does he still have my photos up? he's gone away now for training again for 8 weeks. i sent him a text the day before he left just saying goodbye and wishing him good luck. i never got a reply so then the morning he was to leave i sent him another one asking him to reply. he did and said that he missed me and he was sorry he had been acting the way he had been but that he dealt with things by blanking them. he said that he was sorry things were not different. last night he left a comment under a photo of me on my web page saying that it was nice. i'm so confused. i feel like his actions are saying one thing but his words are saying another. i really need help. i need to no what to do. after reading advice on this website i no i should probably not contact him and just wait for him to come back to me but i'm afraid that if i do this he'll forget about me and get over it. i really don't want that to happen. not only am i missing him but i'm missing his family. i was planing on contacting his mom to meet up for coffee as she had asked me to keep in contact but i don't know if i should. please help i need him back in my life Advice
Try being a best friend for a while.

Send him packages (not too many) to cheer him up in training.

Talk to him once a week just to see how each other is doing. Only talk for 15 mins and don't discuss relationship. Be cheerful and undemanding. This weekly call will give you the contact you need and the space he needs.

When he gets back from training, my guess is that he will be ready to give it a try again.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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