The Love Seems Gone

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I recently wrote to you about losing the love I had for my wife of 9 1/2 years. The responce you gave was to spend time together doing things we both like to do.

But what i am feeling is that it doesnt feel right spending time with her. I see her with our three children and i love her as a mother but when i look at her i dont feel anything for her. This is the same person not too long ago that i loved more than anything in the world..except my children..

how can all of a sudden i feel nothing for her? How do i get the love for her back? Or was it not meant to be??? I dont want to hurt her. Can you please help? Advice
My point is that all relationships go through normal stages, and that not all stages involve feelings of red-hot love! I have them here -

and a stage where you care about someone as a friend (and mother) is quite a normal stage. Also, how you feel about someone on any given day can be affected by the stress you have in your life, how healthily you're eating, how well you're exercising, and millions of other things. So if for a few weeks you're not feeling anything about her, that's rather normal. We all go through ups and downs. If you talk to any older couples and ask them how they lasted together, they said it was because they STUCK WITH IT. Life isn't always a bed of roses. Relationships aren't always about stars in the eyes and feelings of romance. Sometimes it's just about sharing the burden and pulling forward and keeping going. And then the mood passes and you feel warm and fuzzy again, and life goes on.

The point about you guys doing fun things together is that it tends to remind you how much you enjoy each other. You can't just stare at her across the table and think "OK, lovey feelings, turn back on." A relationship is about both people ACTIVELY working on it. So work on it! Figure out what things you both love to do. And DO THEM! Get out hiking, or biking, or watching fun movies together, or walking in the park. Do these things without the kids. Kids are great but they should never become your entire life - there always has to be you and your partner that have fun as adults. Remember, your kids are basing their entire view of how "adults have fun" by watching you guys. If you guys turn around and don't HAVE fun together - how are they supposed to learn?

So get a sitter for the kids at least once a week and go out with your wife and do fun things. That's how you kick yourself out of this rut and remind yourself just why you guys enjoyed being together before.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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