I say thing I dont mean, the regret them
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My fiancee and I have been arguing alot lately and I am starting to realize that its typically my fault. I dont understand what causes it, but sometimes I just get really, really mad at her and in hindsight, it was for no reason. I say things, that are very hurtful, that I would never say any other time. I feel terrible because I am a genuinely nice person and quite honestly wouldnt even say some of the things I say to her, to my worst enemy. I love this woman so much and it kills me that I have hurt her. I am disgusted with some of the things that have come out of my mouth and wish I never said them.
I have never been so attracted and just in awe of another person in my entire life. Very often the types of things that set me off for some reason are if she talks about stuff in college that she has done, anything about ex's or sometimes just what she is doing out with her friends at that moment on the phone. Its almost like I dont want to think about her in any situation that she may have had more fun that I have had in the past or just doing things that would be considered a little crazy. I know we all had great times in college and everyone gets a little nuts when they are there, its part of the experience. But when I think of her in those types of situations, I just go into a red zone and I start saying some of the most irrational things. The moment it comes out of my mouth I know I didnt mean it and want to take it back, but its already too late. The ironic thing is, the person I remind myself of the most is my mother. She still does the same thing when she argues with me, which is saying things that just dont even make sense and are so hurtful you cannot believe she said them. I am in the process of seeing a therapist because I need to change or this wont work. I just wanted to see if I could get a little helpful insight into whats going on here.
RomanceClass.com Advice
I think you, with your therapist's help, have analyzed the problem exactly.
Two thought come to mind that might help.
First is to try to figure out why certain behavior is a trigger for your eruptions. My guess is that when she describes "wild" things she did in college that it reminds you that she is a sexually potent person and you are jealous of her potentially cheating on you or leaving you. I can think of times in my life when I had a similar situation.
Second is a possible way to end your arguments. And that is to ask your GF to give you the peace sign the minute she detects that you might be going off. If you have the courage and strength to accept the peace sign as a valid thing for your GF to do then you might be able to step back from the behavior and say "Oh, there I go again, I'm sorry!"
Finally, try to strike the same deal with your mother so that you can show her the peace sign and try to cool her off. Obviously she would have to agree on trying this.
Good luck! George -- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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