mixed signals: he says he wants to be friends. i think he still has feelings...
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My ex and i dated for a little over a year, both being 21-22 at the time. I broke up with him over the summer because i wasn't sure what i wanted, and frankly, i was very immature. This obviously hurt him immensely, and i got together with a friend of mine soon thereafter, and had essentially been emotionally cheating on my then-boyfriend. So, he was very hurt and i was just having a good old time...
...then in september, i realized that i really did want to be with him and had gone through a sort of maturing process where i realized how dumb i had been in the manner that i dealt with my feelings and relationships. many people have noted these changes in me, my ex included. a week after i told him i still loved him and really wanted to be with him, we got back together, but two weeks later, he told me he just didn't love me anymore, and he broke up with me.
Now, about 3 weeks ago, we started talking and hanging out. He admitted to me that he really still had loved me but could not trust me, and wasn't ready to be with me (or anyone) at the time. i also admitted to him that my feelings for him are still present.
When we hang out then he will start to tickle me and be very touchy and he compliments me a lot. Eventually he kissed me and asked me to spend the night one night, but i thought that i ought to go home because we had talked about just being friends. I then had a sort of emotional breakdown when i realized later that he maintained that he had no relationship feelings for me, but then recovered and since then i am able to go into situations with him knowing that we are just friends. He initiates backrubs and cuddling and lately kisses me on the cheek and forehead a lot and calls me old pet names he called me when we were dating. Still, he says that he just wants to be friends, but he would like to be with me physically.
To me, it seems like the things that he does are inconsistent both with just wanting to be friends and with just wanting sex. The reason for the second one is that he is very sweet and caring, and he wants me to spend the night sometimes (i did only once, last night. we haven't kissed since the first time a week or so ago) and he knows that i cannot do anything physical with him beyond cuddling, without hurting myself emotionally.
Is he really over me? It seems to me that he still has feelings. If i just stay friends with him is he going to "change his mind"? is he playing a game? is he feeling me out to see how it would be to date me again? we do so many things just like we did when we were dating...why is he so confusing?
People often have leftover feelings that they haven't fully dealt with.
This sounds like both you and your boyfriend. You are trying to be friends but he wants friends with benefits and you don't. Given time my guess is that his physical needs will lead him back into loving you.
Keep that in mind when you hear him saying he loves you. It's hard to tell the difference.
Do the best you can! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com