I love him but I feel i cant handle it anymore
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Okay, here's the thing... Im about to turn 16 and ive been going out with my bf for 7 months...
At the beginning it was all just perfect. we would never get tired of being together it was just great.
after 2 months we started having this little arguments because he said i let my guy friends flirt with me too much... (i dont flirt with them) but for him its wrong that i let my friends do it... and i know. i already talked to my friends about it and i just cant control their actions... and as long as i dont flirt, i think he has no reason to start spazzing on me.
after 3 months it got a little more big and intimate. He started putting preasure on me to have sex. I knew it wasnt the right time. I knew i wasnt ready but all he said to me was "how would u know if ur ready or not if u havent even tried it" or blackmail me with things such as "oh so u dont feel im special enough to share ur virginity with me?" trying to make me feel bad about it and taking advantage of my love for him he just didnt understand the fact that i wasnt ready to become a woman yet and that dissapointed me a lot.
I finally got really mad at him. i started crying because i was so frustrated by the fact that he couldnt understand me that he just said "alright, we wont do it if u dont want to" we didnt talk about it for a long time...
After that, school started and i needed my own time... i couldnt spend time with him as much as i did during summer because i had other things to do... besides i had rules to follow at home. i couldnt stay out for too long, otherwise i would get in trouble. So i talked to him about it and explained things to him because i didnt want him to think that i was avoiding him. But again. he didnt understand and got mad at me saying "you dont want to spend time with me anymore" "u rather go home and do ur own thing than being with me" and he would try to make me feel bad about it, when all i was asking for was a little air to breath! IT WAS SO SUFFOCATING!
Everyday we would fight. I didnt even feel like being with him anymore... because i knew that he would find a reason to fight with me as he always did.sometimes we didnt even have anything to talk about. and if for some reason i wasnt feeling well and i wasnt too talkative he'd be like "oh u dont wanna talk to me now" He takes things way to seriously and personal... He's also very controling. he wants to know everything i do and why. and i dont feel confortable with that, i need my own privacy and space. He didnt want to let me join the salsa club at school because he said he wouldnt be happy to see me dancing with another guy... he said that salsa had too much rubbing. But it was something i really wanted to do... and he got mad at me because i wasnt making him happy. He even gets mad at me if i wear a skirt to school because "i apperantly want other guys to look at me" which i dont...
After 6 months of our relationship... things were great after a really long time... I felt i was with the guy i was first dating... i was happy and we decided to have sex. we didnt do it because our relationship had more downs than ups... we did it because we feel that even though we have our differences we love each other more than anything. we wanted to share that special bond.
But again... days after we made love, he started arguing Because i was talking to my guy friend and he called and i told him i had to do things. i turned both of them down... but he thought i "prefered" to talk to my other friend than him and it wasnt even true. That day i broke down into tears i just couldnt handle it anymore... he couldnt understand why i was so affected he thought it was only because of what happened with my friend when it was actually everything that ive been keeping inside of me... pain... confussion... i couldnt keep it inside of me no more... and that week i told him i wanted to take a break... i told him that he needed to change some things... that i needed my space... that he was too controlling and how i truly felt... that i still loved him more than anything but some things just needed to change in order to make our relationship work out.
He was dissapointed... blaming himself and putting himself down... i felt so bad... he said he'd change. so we didnt end up taking a break... after a week it was all back to the same thing... arguments.. etc and im sooo tired of this that i think i just gave up and stopped trying to make it work... ive tried so much and he always has to ruin it... he brings me down. i dont feel that encouragment inside of me to keep trying... im just waiting and waiting to see what happens... but he doesnt even seem to know that somethings really wrong... he's way too attached... he doesnt trust me. and hes always trying to make me jealous to get attention. I know i love him and im scared to break up with him and then not get over it and make a mistake. Of course theres good things.... a lot of them... but, i dont know...My question is... should i keep waiting? or should i just end this before it gets worse? thank u so much...
This is not an easy question to answer.
On one hand you love him but he is abusive and controlling. You are afraid to break up with him in case that turns out to be a mistake.
My advice is to carefully think it over and determine whether his abusive and controlling behavior is acceptable to you. If it is stay with him, if not dump him.
And, keep this in mind... if you decide to stay with an abusive and controlling person, you are establishing a pattern that could stay with you for the rest of your life. You might end up married to such a person and then getting out becomes much more difficult with kids, house, finances, friends, and relatives to consider.
Whatever you decide to do will have dangers associated with it.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com