After the Cheating
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and i have been together almost 3 years, and less than a week ago he admitted that he has cheated on me. I pretty much already knew because his friends told me stuff all the time, but i guess i just didnt want to admit that he would do something so hurtful to me.
I m still with him, but i dont know what to do... I love him with all of my heart, but how do i truly know that he will never do it again? I need to know that i can trust him, but what do i do if he says he wants me to trust him, but then he never really does anything to prove it?
I tell him all the time that actions speak louder than words, but i dont think he truly understands the concept of that. I really dont know what to do. I could tell that when he told me that hes cheated, it was very hard for him to do, and he started crying. but even if he felt horrible how do i know he wont do it again and 'feel horrible' again...
Please offer me some advice because i really need some... Thank you very much
It is really, really hard to repair the gigantic wound caused by cheating. I've been cheated on and it is REALLY hard to deal with. Probably every single woman and man I know has been cheated on in one form or another at some point in their life. So while it really, really hurts, you need to know you're not alone in this. You can get through it, you can heal, you can be stronger than before in the end.
I have a lot of tips on mending up here -
but the main point is that both people have to really want to FIX things. The cheating is sort of a giant symptom of something being wrong. Yes IT is wrong but it wouldn't have even happened if you guys were being totally honest and trusting and caring to begin with. So there was already something wrong which then sort of set the stage for the cheating to happen.
You are completely right that as much as you WANT to trust, he has to put even MORE effort into proving himself trustworthy and mending the wound. He is of course the one that ripped open that wound to start with. While some people really do realize how wrong the cheating was and never do it again, other people only realize that being CAUGHT at cheating was evil and that in the future their main aim is to never get CAUGHT again. Which means maybe they are even less communicative, because they don't want you to know when they are even interested in someone else in the future.
You need to work out for yourself if your partner is really making an effort and is putting your RELATIONSHIP first, or if he has become even more self centered and is putting HIM first. That is a very, very important distinction.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com