The Nine Year Itch

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I have been married for 9 1/2 years. Up until about 2 weeks ago I knew I was in love with my wife. Then all of a sudden I am not sure? What could cause me to suddenly feel empty inside? How do I find the love that I had for her? I really want to stay with her. Can you help me? Advice
Every relationship goes through various stages -

and one of the best known is the "7 year itch". It of course doesn't happen right at the stroke of 7 years. Nine 1/2 years is in the same ballpark. In essence, you have been with this person for years and years. You have gone through ups and downs. But the human brain likes adventure and different things. After a while it sort of goes, "Well, this is nice. But what else is there?"

It doesn't help that right when the brain is saying it wants a bit of change, people are getting complacent. They are taking each other for granted, settling into routines, not making the effort to try new things. So that's how a lot of relationships break up or people cheat - they just get stuck in a rut and bored, and can't figure out how to reliven things up. So they give up and go find someone new, since a new person is obviously "not in the same rut".

The trick of course is to KEEP things new and interesting with your current partner. Because all that groundwork and 'wearing in' and such that you've spent time and energy on is INCREDIBLY important and valuable in the long run. To let a bit of boredom derail you now would be a real shame.

I have lots of thoughts here on keeping the love alive -

it comes down to reminding yourself weekly that this is a *fun person* you're here with and you guys CAN do fun things if you just expend a little energy. Take a course in something new. Go on a trip even if it's to a nearby city. Listen to new music. Go out to new restaurants. There are quadrillions of new things all around you, but you have to shake yourself loose of your rut and go explore them. The more of an explorer spirit you and your mate share, the more that every day together will be a new adventure.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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