My Boyfriend is Addicted to Pot

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 3 months now and he's been the best boyfriend i've ever had. he's the only one i've been able to trust and the only one that has actually treated me right.

within the first month of us going out i realized that my boyfriend liked to smoke pot a lot. i knew he did it, but didn't realize how excessive it was. anyway, he stopped doing it as much because he knew i didn't like it.

so for the last month or so...things have been good. But lately he's been starting to smoke and drink again. When i confronted him about it around a week ago he told me he would completely stop for me. i told him i didn't want him to stop coz that would be "f'ed up of me" if i made him stop, then i wouldn't be accepting him for who he is. i'm totally about letting a person be who they wanna be and accepting them for everything they are, good or bad. personally, i don't mind that my bf smokes or drinks. its just when it becomes excessive i don't like it. i feel when someone does something like that to an extreme or on a day to day basis something right isn't going on inside. it just scares me coz i've known many ppl addicted to the stuff and they always end up depressed or something.

after that convo, my bf told me not to worry about it and he would take care of the "problem". so yea, i finally tell him how i feel and i kno he's still gonna do it, so surely enough a few days after our talk he comes over to my house after work. shortly after being there, he says i should go to sleep and he was tired anyway. during his visit his friend calls and i figure they were gonna hang out after my bf visited me for awhile. so my boyfriend leaves my house after only like 20min of seeing him. i was so sad coz i wanted to see him longer. so anyway, i go inside and go online, i see the friend that i thought called my boyfriend so i IM and say what's up. and sure enough when i talk to him, my boyfriend responds on his friend's screen name. so my boyfriend ditched me to go see his friend. i don't mind my bf hanging out with his friends at all, it was just the fact that he would leave go smoke some cigars or whatever with his friend.

this last week, everyday he has gone to his friends house after work to get trashed. i rarely see or talk to him anymore coz i always have work as well. my bf also doesn't wanna invite me to his friends house coz he obviously doesn't want me to see him messed up. so i feel i'm at a no win situation. i can't tell him to stop, bc if i do, he'll continue doing it behind my back like he is doing right now. i also can't just stand here and do nothing coz i don't wanna see him hurting himself as well as continuously ditching me to see his friends and get trashed.

so i have this dilemma...i want to talk to him about it, but i don't know what to say to him. like i said, i can't tell him to stop and i can't tell him not to hang out with his friends. i just miss being with him and want him to spend more time with me and not with his good friend mary jane. :(

he's a good guy and totally in love with me and never wants to hurt me. the worst part is, i don't think he realizes that him smoking and stuff is hurting our relationship and is hurting me as well. how do i go about telling him how i feel without ruining his perfect picture of us? i'm just waiting for the day he'll come around, but i don't think i can really wait that long. so how do i go about accepting my pot loving boyfriend for who he is, without feeling out of the loop?

the other day i even went over and smoked pot with him just so i could see him and hang out. i personally don't like doing it too often, but not seeing him just makes me do stupid stuff like that. i love him and wanna be with him, but i don't wanna be 2nd in line compared to his weed. how do i get out of this mess?!! Advice
I know exactly how you feel on this one, I had a boyfriend at one point who was addicted to cocaine. You love them and care for them. But if they are going to get themselves really loose of these addictions they have to want to, on their own, and take charge of their own lives. You're right, if you start to nag them they're going to think of you as their "mother" and start lying and cheating to do what "they want" instead of what "you tell them to do".

On the other hand, again having been there, it's quite one thing to accept someone the way they are if they pick their nose or something ... it's a hugely different matter to accept that they are doing harmful things to themselves. Sure, pot isn't cocaine. Drinking isn't cocaine either. But we're not talking about this guy just having one drink and joint at the end of the day to relax. This guy is seriously harming his own life by making this pretty much the ONLY thing he does for fun. And not only that, like you said, he is actively choosing this OVER you. Which should never, ever be the case.

There are so many great things to do in life - play volleyball, go see movies, read books, play Scrabble, do crossword puzzles, there's something for every type of person. But the ONLY thing this guy can think of to do is get trashed and to do it without you. This is pretty much a recipe for disaster. The more he neglects you, the worse your relationship will get. The more he actively lies to you, the less you will trust him.

You're right, you can't make him quit. But perhaps you can show him just how much in life he's missing. Find some new hobbies for you guys that you can do together - and start doing them. Why is he going to get trashed every day after work - can't he think of ANYTHING better to do with his time and money?? The more you can get him out enjoying life, the less he will be satisfied with mindless lounging. And the more he has fun with you, the less he will be happy being without you.

If he really resists doing this - if he would RATHER be drinking without you than doing something fun with you - then you have something concrete to point to to put your foot down about. If you put your foot down about his smoking, he won't understand. But if you put your foot down about his neglecting you and fun things with you becuase he would RATHER zone out, that is just wrong.

And in the end, if that is his choice, then as hard as it seems, it might be time to move on. Maybe your moving on will be the wake-up call he needs ... or maybe it will give you the opportunity to meet a guy who is really perfect for you. You deserve a guy who you can trust 100%, who does not lie to you and who ENJOYS being with you and having fun with you.

-- from Jenn
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