How Do I Fix This Now Its In Trouble?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, most of the time we are happy and we love each other a lot. The problem we are having though is that she feels that I stifle her and I have taken away her inner person, mainly because I have a problem with her going out with her friends.
I don't mean to have a problem and I want to do everything I can to stop feeling this way but the problem is that when we were first together she went out and ended up kissing someone else. She came home that same night and told me about it and although I was upset I forgave her and we moved on (or so I thought). We also had a real break up later that same year after she told me that she might have some feeling left for her ex... I went a little crazy and we broke up, after 1 day she went out and ended up kissing someone else... someone I knew... someone who I knew liked her and someone who I did not like at all, she told me about it and I forgave her again and she said that it didn't really matter anyway as we'd broken up, but to me this was still cheating...
Moving on 2 more years and now she is unhappy because admittedly I still have trouble trusting her, despite her telling me constantly that she loves me and that she learnt her lesson that first time and that I am torturing myself over nothing... I.m happy to seek out help with my jealously issue and my trust issues and I know I need to allow her to go out and enjoy herself without a fuss in order to make myself look more self confident and attract her back to me etc etc etc... My problem is that she is telling me that she likes to go out and dance and flirt with other people, that she enjoys it and its her thing, although she'd never ever take it any further than that... I just can't handle that thought, the thought of her flirting with other people while I'm not there, I feel like shes making me look stupid in front of all the people that KNOW we're together... How do I control that part of the jealousy? What can I say or do to make it stop? Neither of us want our relationship to end naturally, but I can work on the jealousy issue... it just doesn't help with her telling me that she wants to go out and flirt!
Please help me, I feel like I'm going crazy...!
I've been in your boat and what you are going through isn't easy.
What finally worked for me, once I found my true love, was to realize that as long as she didn't leave me I didn't care what she did. I might not like it but it wouldn't be a threat to our relationship.
Of course, that's easier said than done and I was never tested very much... well except once. But I trusted her.
So that's one way to look at it... just trust her.
As far as looking stupid in front of friends, you could help yourself by realizing that they don't take it seriously like you do. Everyone has seen or experienced a flirtatious woman so nobody will think much of it.
You can either choose to feel like you are "going crazy" or you can feel calm and secure in her and yourself. Many husbands and wives have throughout history "allowed" their mate to have affairs without being troubled.
You aren't near that point, but that is your goal as far as feelings.
If jealousy is still troubling you can make a formal enemy of those thoughts and feelings and actually talk to them and tell them that you are not going to listen to them because you know your girl loves you and is just being herself. Fight the jealousy every time it appears even if it takes a 100 or a 1000 times.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com