Married for the Wrong Reasons
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I got married for all the wrong reasons and it has been a hell. I have wanted to just go back to my old life and be happy again. I got married a little less then a month after I was of legal age. I did it because I think at the time I thought that it was my only way out my parents house. When I moved in with my husband he became very controlling of what I ate and he wanted me to do all this stereotypical house wife stuff.
There was so many times that I wanted to leave. But I did not leave because I did not want everyone that said it was going to fail to be right. I think about this old boyfriend that I used to have and just how much fun we had and how much he did not want me to get married. I just really think that I have made a wrong decision, and I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to about this other than my younger sister and she does not really know what to say. Please give me some advice on my options. Thanks
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Many, many women get married to escape from their parents - and run into an even worse (or at least AS worse) situation. And of course now you want to try your best to make it work because you don't want to admit defeat and have to crawl back to your parents.
But believe me, as much as you may feel old right now, you are INCREDIBLY young in the grand scheme of things. And to stay in a bad situation right now just because you made a mistake would be as bad as say refusing to ever talk to your best friend again when you were 8 years old just because you had one fight. When you are 8 it seems like you are very old - but when you are 16 and still have that best friend and are super happy with her, looking back at that 8-year-old incident makes it seem sort of meaningless.
You should definitely not make the decision based on thoughts of having fun with someone else. A decision about any relationship should be made ABOUT that relationship, considering that relationship. So put out of your mind for now thoughts of anything else but this marriage you are in. Maybe it can work, maybe it can't. But look at that situation only.
I have a page on things to consider:
a key is to simply say to your husband that you are not happy. That you want to be happy, you want the marriage to be happy. That you'd like to go to therapy with him, just for a few weeks, to get some help on being happy. That's a VERY reasonable request and one that many new couples do! Being a couple isn't an easy thing. It can be very complex. 50% of all marriages fail. So you are taking active steps here to get your marriage working well.
He could do several things. He could say "no". If he's not even willing to WORK on the relationship and thinks His Way is the Only Way, then I'd pretty much say call it quits. A relationship is all about work, about compromise and about caring what the other says. Either he is willing to do his share or he's not ready for marriage.
He could say "yes" but not really try. Again, at least if he goes with you the therapist will point out to him what he's doing wrong and you will have concrete reasons to show him when you choose to leave.
Or, he could say "yes" and REALLY try when he realizes what is at stake. Maybe he thought marriage was easy and is learning that it takes effort. Just like anything does that is worth having. You may find he's really a great person when he gets himself going, and that you're happy.
But you must start by being honest about the issue and trying your best to talk with him. That is the only way any relationship can succeed.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com