My Boyfriend and his Ex Wife
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and he is now having doubts about being with me, being alone, or being with his ex-wife. He says he has been having these doubts off and on since we started dating. I told him that it was normal to miss someone after you breakup especially if you were together for 7 years.
She has been calling him since we first started dating trying to get him to come back and trying to do things to drive me away. I just find it strange because she never did any of this until she heard from her friends that he was dating me. I don't know her so it can't be anything like that, and she didn't care at all when he told her he was going to date other people. I really think she is just confusing him more.
My question is how do I deal with it? I have been trying to be very supportive and even offered to move out if that would help him find himself. Is there anything else I can do to help him?
It sounds like you have a very good handle on the various things going on here. Definitely if he was with her for 7 years it's very natural for him to be confused and uncertain. That's a lot of history to be dealing with. And his ex definitely sounds flaky - as soon as she realized that he really was dating *A Threat* (even though she was supposedly not in his life) she couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone and her not. That's not what is supposed to happen when you break up, thinks she! She figured SHE would get a great new guy, he would be alone and lonely, and he would realize just what a jerk he was by leaving her. Instead, SHE ends up alone and lonely, HE ends up with someone who loves him, and she can't let that happen because it would prove he was right and she was wrong. So she has to make sure it doesn't end up that way.
So definitely she is making things far worse here. But to tell him to stop talking to his ex isn't going to work - and to tell her to stop calling won't either.
I would NOT move out. The point of a relationship is to face issues together and address them - not to run away or abandon each other when trouble begins. So your best show of support is to stay by his side and help him through this. Suggest to him that this is a LOT to deal with on his own and that the two of you should talk with a therapist just for a week or two, to get some sort of grounding for all of this. The therapist will pretty much say that his ex wife is stirring up trouble. Since this comes from a THIRD party, you are now safe from blame and can say "Oh, that sounds like a good idea". Your husband should then *on his own* realize this (coming from a third party as it is) and agree to keep her at a distance since her aim here is to harm him. You don't actively invite the snake into your living room, so to speak. And hopefully that will help you guys get more settled, and things will be easier.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com