I've Lied and Cheated, Now What?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
What are things I can do to build trust in my relationship?
I met my boyfriend in November. When I met him I wasn't ready to get into a relationship because I was still in the process of breaking up with my ex of 7 years. I was in a abusive relationship with my ex and I was having difucality getting rid of him. When I met my boyfriend I really didn't think it was going to go anywhere, that we would just casually date but we both began to start getting feelings for eachother. In November when we were dating, my ex was trying to work things out with me and I spent one night with him and had sex. I was in a situtation where I needed to decide if I should go with someone new or stay with the old. I chose the new. While I was breaking up with my ex I was going through alot of mental abuse from my ex and was pulling away from my boyfriend. So I explained to him about what I was going through and it came out that we had sex in November. He felt that because we had sex in November that I cheated on him. We broke up in January.
One month later he contacted me through email and we wrote each other for a while and then decided to meet. He expressed how he still cared for me and I told him I'm not in the right place because I was still getting rid of the ex. Once things started to calm down I let him know that I was ready but then he became scared.
We have been together for a couple of months but he has trust issues with me. He thinks that I cheated on him in November and is scared that I will cheat on him again, or try to meet different men. Things were starting to go well but then he went into my email address and saw that a guy from my past emailed me to ask how i was and see if i was seeing someone. I casually wrote back and said things were fine but didn't metion that i was seeing someone and i sent him some pictures. When my bf saw this he texted messaged me and metioned that I send alot of pics over the net and I messaged him back saying that I hadn't in a while which was a lie. As bad as it must have looked, I really did not have any intentions with this guy but just to say hello. why I lied was because he caught me off guard. So now he feels that I'm trying to meet different people and that i can lie to him easily, which isn't true because its alot easier to lie over a text message then it is in person, which is still wrong.
I want things to work out between us but I don't know what I can do to prove to him that i'm not going to meet different people or cheat on him that i am in love with him. Any sugestions?
I hate to tell you this, but you HAVE lied and cheated to this guy, and both are very wrong. Yes, I can understand WHY you slept with your ex - but you had a moral and medical obligation to tell your boyfriend in person the next day!! Any time you sleep with someone you take on risks - and your boyfriend had a right to know you did this.
Next you start lying to him. It doesn't matter if you lie in person or in text! It doesn't matter if one is "easier" - both are wrong! If another guy emailed you and deliberately asked you if you were seeing someone - and you not only *hid* your boyfriend from this guy but sent him *photos* of yourself, you were deliberately keeping up a pretense of being available. You have to ask yourself - why did you do this? And then why did you lie to your boyfriend about doing it?
It really sounds like you are very confused about things and you are really destroying what could be a great relationship with your behavior. I would offer to your boyfriend to see a therapist with him - even for a few weeks - to show that you are really trying to change. And the therapist can help you figure out why you are doing these self destructive things. It's almost as if you're deliberately trying to destroy your relationship on purpose, maybe because you feel you don't deserve it. But this lying and cheating has to STOP.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com