I'm Jealous, He throws Tantrums
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and a half. In the past I have always been cheated on and broken up with and was ineviatbly tortured by my ex's. I feel as if he is going to cheat on me regaurdless and I dont know how to get that out of my head. He always says that I need to get over it because he's not going to do it...I believe him..but part of me is still scared, and the worst part is that i dwell.? How do I get myself into a mindset of trust and confidence.? (he has aso never given me a reason)
Another problem that we have is our fighting lately. Its alot of petty crap..like dishes and cleaning and simple thing..he throws a fit of rage and yells at me. I have gained a few pounds over the the year (i weigh 135 lbs) coming from 105lbs and he says things like if i gain anymore weight he will dump me...but then a few moments after the fight he will say he "doesnt mean it like that" in the sense that I am fat now.?? He doesnt make much sense to me? Am i right for thinking that i am unattractive to him?
Anyways, our fights get into real screaming matches...he usually blames in on bad days..and ill think.."maybe if i just hang out and not say anything while he is angry..he'll just leave me alone"...then i think, "well, if i let him talk to me like this then he will think it is okay??" So, i then instantly come to my own defence and start back at him by telling him that the things he is saying are not okay to say and he needs to focus his anger somewhere or on someone else.
Am I losing my mind...or is this relationship gone down the drain.????
I really love him alot and have worked really hard to keep it afloat....is it worth it?
There are two big things going on here which are both actively destroying the relationship. One is your jealousy, which can easily destroy even the most strong of relationships. The other is his temper tantrums, which also destroy many, many relationships. You should not be jealous of him - you should trust in him and the love you two have. And he should NEVER yell at you and use you as his punching bag so to speak. We all gain weight over the years! It's a normal thing that happens to the human body as it ages and metabolism slows. For him to even SAY he would dump you because of that is completely immature of him. Is that like saying "If you start to get wrinkles I'm gone"??? Just what sort of age-free world does he think he lives in??
I would really, really recommend you two find a therapist in your area, even just for a few weeks. I do have a page on jealousy to go through -
and if it was just that I'd say to work on it. But if he is throwing temper tantrums then you need to get that under control too. A relationship should always be about two people TALKING through their issues. If one person feels it is ok to YELL AT the other person, things are out of control. And it sounds like he isn't able to maintain control on his own. Either someone gives him some advice and he takes it, or I would seriously think about giving some distance here. Things like that don't just "fix themselves". They tend to get worse and worse until it becomes physical abuse. And by then it can feel like it's too late to escape. You have to draw a line now.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com