Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm in need of some advice.....so here's the story (shorter version anyways). A couple of years ago I became really good friends with this guy named Ben. He ended up becoming my best guy friend. We hung out for three straight summer's in a row and over the course of this our friendship turned to friends with benefits. It didn't seem to complicate things at first but eventually I grew to really, really like him. He I assume was aware of this and shared some of the same feelings as well but wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. After awhile though he became involved with a girl much younger then him....he got her pregnant (she ended up having an abortion) and they started dating after that. Of course this ruined our friendship that we had and his girlfriend and I didn't get along either. Him and I stopped hanging out and I was really heart-broken at first. His girlfriend didn't like me hanging around him or calling him etc. Awhile after they'd been dating though I had gone to visit him (when his girlfriend hadn't been around) and he ended up cheating on her with me. This continued to happen over the course of a year........
I wasn't sure what to think? I wasn't sure if he still had feelings for me and was too scared to admit it....and that he felt like he couldn't walk away from his girlfriend because of the abortion etc. Or was he just using me for the sex? Though it wasn't like drunken booty calls...we were both sober all the time. He did end up getting really drunk one night and cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend! After that night he felt horrible and he admitted to his girlfriend what he had done or what he remembered anyways. She forgave him (hard to believe!) and when I questioned him about why he told his girlfriend about her best friend but not about me? He replied with, 'well you're different.' Whatever that's suppose to mean?
Anyways just this year I had another friendship with a guy named Tim. We had been friends over the years and we started hanging out more and more all the time and one night he came out and told me that he liked me. I was hesitant at first because I still knew that I feelings for Ben. But Ben wasn't breaking up with his girlfriend anytime soon and I didn't wanna play his games anymore either so I decided to give Tim a chance. Well that chance eventually turned into a relationship. He's a great guy and a sweetheart to me! There came a night one night when I ended up alone with Ben and he tried to get me to fool around with him but I wouldn't because of Tim. I wasn't about to cheat on my boyfriend...but, just because I didn't do anything with Ben doesn't mean that I didn't want too. I think Ben felt a little foolish because I had told him no. whereas everytime before that I had always given in.
My relationship with Tim is going great....we've been together about 4 months now. But sometimes I think I'm afraid to let my guard down with him and fall head over heels. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt (like Ben had hurt me) or if it's because I'm still in love with Ben??? I still get those butterfly feelings in my stomach though when I see Ben.....and I feel guilty about it because I have a boyfriend. I've been at wedding receptions too where Ben is and I've noticed him watching me from the corner of my eye (just stares, doesn't say anything).
So I'm really confused as to what to think? I like Tim..he's a great guy and a wonderful boyfriend! But why do I still think about Ben and have feelings for him. My girlfriends tell me it's because I like Tim but I'm IN love with Ben. And I don't wanna be either....Tim's a wonderful guy but I just can't seem to get Ben out of my head. What's your take on all of this? Any thoughts or suggestions?
Thanks a bunch!!!
Here's a great chance to try honesty!
Tell both Ben and Tim what the situation is and see what their reaction is.
That should tell you a lot about the relationships and help you figure out what you want to do.
Saves a lot of beating around the bush.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com