We Argue Constantly

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and me have been seeing each other for almost a year now. Since April of this year a day doesn't go by that we don't see each other. Last month all of a sudden something changed! I started to pick little arguments about things that don't even matter like her wanting to watch a movie and I didn't. and when she is in a different mood I think something is wrong etc etc etc. Now it seems that everything we do I am finding something to argue about. I realized that I am the one causing these arguments, she rarely causes any!

It is like I am thinking to much all of a sudden and it is really bothering me because I honestly don't know what is causing this. And it is wearing off on her because she is starting to think a little to much too now. We both want to work things out thats for sure! Whenever these arguments happen with both get mad and want to just leave but we never do and we both end up feeling bad at what just happened. Like I said I am not sure what happened to trigger this.

Also we are both very stubborn people! When we get into these "arguments" neither one of us wants to back down so it is sorta like a competition type thing sometimes. We both are sorta spoiled to! Please help! Our relasionship is way to great to loose!

RomanceClass.com Advice
You really have to address this quickly, because believe me, something like this can completely destroy a relationship. It's like water torture, wearing you down until you just aren't happy seeing each other any more because you know there will be stress involved.

One of THE most important things you can have in a relationship is respect for each other. And arguing is a sign of DISrespect. Why would you yell at or pick on someone you care about? Why would your own pride and "being right" be anywhere nearly as important as the happiness of the person you're with? Why is "defending your position" more important than defending your relationship? Those are all signs of someone thinking about themself and not about the relationship. When you get into this mode it is really showing that you are valuing yourself and your own "image" far more than you value the other person and their feelings. So it is time to get this to stop before it causes further damage.

You are of course the only person in control of what you say, and you DO have complete control. You're the one that opens your mouth and causes harmful things to issue from it. So the next time you see yourself about to say something hurtful, DON'T. That's all there is to it. Really, if you are actively saying hurtful things, you are trying to hurt your girlfriend! Why would you want to do that? Maybe you feel she's neglecting you? Maybe you feel she's taking you for granted? For some reason you are looking at her and thinking, "She deserves to be hurt" and then you go ahead and do it. That of course is the way to demolish any relationship.

The arguments are just a sign that something else serious is wrong with the relationship. So sit down and think about what it is. All relationships change over time. And the only way to stay together while they keep changing and changing is to talk about it, realize the changes are taking place and accomodate those changes. So what is changing? Maybe something in the changes is really bothering you?

So the primary key is to STOP saying hurtful things, period. You can do it, just don't open your mouth. And the secondary key is to figure out WHY you get these urges to hurt her, and to talk about that with her. Otherwise you'll be fighting these urges for months, and that's no way to have a relationship.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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