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Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything. -- Katharine Hepburn



I want him back...but how...



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I wrote back in february about the issue and its september now and im just as confused then than now...First of all, I want to congratulate this site for doing such a great job empowering and coming to the aid of people by giving them guidance.

I met him last April, over the net. The very first chat resulted into a phone conversation and since then we were inseperable. I felt it he said it, there was just a gut feeling about us. We met a month later after talking and hit it off on the first date, it felt like a year, we were all over each other. He right away said that he wanted it to be exclusive but was scared of being commited into something too serious. Summer was a blast and we had fun doing absolutely nothing, we broke up at our 3rd month anniversary when i realised he wasnt even capable to call me his gf...We didnt talk for a day or 2 but things got back again except that i was more impatient and gave him more space yet we were still together. I have to admit, I was falling if not already falled for him and I just wanted to make sure he was just as committed...Finally things ended a year ago in september when I gave him an ultimatum he said that it wasnt fair to me and didnt know if thats what he wanted or not and he wasnt ready to commit and be exclusive and didnt know what he wanted. I didnt take it because we were always exclusive and I didnt wanna devalue what we had by sharing him with others. Things got pretty bad with arguments and fights as jalousy took over both of us, as much as for me and him. We never fought face to face we always laugh it off and cuddle or say stupidities using sarcasm, but on the phone or IM, it has happend a lot...If he found out I spoke to a guy he would get jalous and say things like you're cheating on me blablabla...I have to admit, in that phase in the beginning I was strong but when I felt he wasnt saying sorry and would say things I would get sad I even cried the day we broke up but he teared as well...We never stopped talking although it has happend a couple of times that I would ignore his calls but he would keep calling until I would finally give in...Finally by december I found out he had a gf by seeing a picture of him and her together. I was devastated I called him up angry screamed told him I never wanted to speak to him again and thought how could he do this, not commit to me but commit to her, he told me it wasnt nothing serious and just for fun but I was furious hysterical and extremely sad...He tried calming me down by calling the days after and i was just as cold as ice...I finally gave in by crying and telling him how could you, you broke my heart...yatti yatti ya...I ended up leaving for new year on vacation but he still called me there and said he was sorry and he would promise me to never speak to me bad or get angry and be a better friend and person to me..."friend" The drama continued by us keeping contact and him harrasing me if I had someone or not and acting all jalous and curious about my personal life. We would met up a couple of times. He works a lot because he has his own company to take care of. Time passed and he would give me the we werent meant to be speech and act indifferent at times or harsh but the next day give me the how great of a girl i am or how he doesnt want to loose me and how its hard for him to express his feelings and how sometimes he says things that he doesnt mean that I understood him by putting up with him and that sometimes he's short temper would result in saying things he absolutely doesnt mean, how I bring stress to his heart yes stress to his heart is how he words it. We would still fight because I would always refer to him as my ex not friend or when he would say things are good between us I would always be like no they're not...and couldnt get passed the betrayal. Again, fights only occur once we talk on the phone or IM, in person we always laugh, cuddle-hug, and talk about anything or everything. My birthday came up and he actually had the nerve to show up with his gf but didnt talk to me the whole night yet had his eye on me the whole night and was a meter away the whole time...I couldnt believe him...I specifically told him to not come especially if he would be with her...but he still did...I thought he was a selfish asshole to hurt me on my own birthday...He called me the same night after the club to wish me happy birthday and to question me on who was the guy i was dancing with, if he was my bf or not...I've seen guys-dated but didnt get involved in anything serious since...He promised to take me out for my bd but then changed his mind saying that it was maybe innappropriate to take out his ex while he was still with his gf...I fumed and told him then in that case it was innappropriate to talk and gave him the cold shoulder. He ended up harassing me with calls until I gave in again and told him I didnt want to speak to him ever...but that didnt last long until I finally decided to stick by it and txt him that I give up, not because I dont care but because I care too much. I shortly after left to Europe in Aughust for a good 3 weeks but ended up wishing him Happy Bday on his birthday there. My friend ended up telling him I was in Europe and was having fun with my guy but he acted indifferent to her. When I came back, he IM me a couple of times but I never did nor called him and conversations were very casual...it was the first time we hadnt spoke for that long...School brought us back together when my management class project was to continue analysing on the same company I had started on last semester. I had no choice but to call him and see if it was an option to work together. He picked up right away and the conversation was a bit awkward and he wasnt that enthousiastic about the whole project nor was I. I was pretty mean and said it was strictly school oriented and not personal and that I was doing him a favor. Just as I was about to call him back an hour later to say forget it Ill figure something out, he called me and said sorry you took me by surprise I think its a great idea and said he would give me all the material I needed. As I was about to hang up he started hammering me with questions about Europe and if it was true that I was with a guy or not and that he had no clue and yatti yatti ya acting all jalous I told him I was with a group of friends but he didnt stop there, he finally said that he tried so hard to maintain a certain friendship between us but realised it was so hard...I ended the conversation by telling him that his cheap excuses are not good enough for me to bring him off the hook. The next day I was on IM when I was listenning to "Nothing Compares To You" by Sinead O'Conner, we both used to listen to it when we broke up, he made a comment about it by IM and I played along but no serious discussion was made, stayed casual. That same weekend I went out and to my surprise we were at the same place. He came up to me and tapped my shoulder from the back and said hi...I looked around he was alone, no friends no gf...I kept it short and sweet, greeting him nicely and continued my way. We spoke the next day as I called him and kept it casual. The following week he called me and said that he had a couple of things he wanted to drop by my house that he thought might help me with the project. He had basicly took the initiative when he specified me to earlier on the first convo to call him to meet up. I agreed to his proposal so I called him early the following week and asked him if he was still showing up as planned, he said yes and the casual convo again turned into a do you have a bf talk which I always brush off and say nothing serious...The conversation became emotional as he brought up the past and said it has been already a year and how he's been thinking of the break-up I tried to keep my cool but not saying anything and let him do the talking he continued by saying that maybe it was good we didnt talk for a while it helped make things better and how sometimes he stays days without contacting his friends and how he knows he hasnt been reliable...I finally told him it didnt help and that it didnt make things better and that I wasnt one of his normal friends and things arent better because we arent close anymore...He argued by saying that things were bad when we had just broke up and brought up the last night we shared together and said that things ended when they did for a reason, that if they would of continued that things would of gotten more complicated and worse and how he is a firm believer in faith and destiny and how he's changed and realised there are more important things than fooling around and how last year he was caught up in an I wanna have fun phase and I got caught up in it. I told him that I didnt need to hear him shove it in my face by making me feel he regrets it or regrets spending that night with me, and he said thats not what he meant. If anything, out of all the girls he's dated that I was the best, he knows I'm not like that and he's met a lot of deplorable ones...And how his main focus now is his career and that he's still not ready to get married as of yet but realised there are more important things than fooling around. My ex is pretty traditional although like all men he can be a dawg lol I never slept with him because I wanted to make sure we were commited and knew his mentality and the last night we spent together we were about too but I said no in the end although I wanted it more than anything and everything was perfect, I just didnt want to end up a one night stand and have him loose respect for me, I needed to know he was willing to commit completely before. The next day after that convo he came over as planned he stayed roughly half an hour and I made sure to look good. It had been 4 months that he didnt come over and as he came, we couldnt help smiling at one another and hugging. As he sat on the couch while I look at the brochures he was leaning towards me a lot and it felt like he was just here yesterday. We were so comfortable with one another and we gazed at each other a lot. He complimented me by saying I look different and by also making a remark out of any bf pictures in your room, obviously continuing his investigation but I just laughed it off and said he was crazy. We were all smiles and managed to dance on the couch as we watch mtv...We hugged more as he left twice and he made it clear that he wanted it to be only me to ask him questions about the team project...and then he left and I havent spoken to him since, its been 2 days...

Problem is, he's still with the same girl as in December, On his profile there is a picture of him and her so why would he stay 9 months with her if he didnt love her? And why wouldnt he come back? Since I found out about her, I never ever ever question him about his private life because it would hurt me to find out yet he always asks me if I'm with another guy...where do I stand in all this? Am I just a convenient friend or a side-plate? I'm so confused and I feel I'm going in circles. Has he simply lost interest? Is it possible that after all this he actually has something for me or is too late? I know he couldnt be indifferent but what will make him realise once and for all? I dont know anymore...Since our break-up we never gotten intimate because I never wanted to give him the best of both worlds...I know this is long, please tell me what you think...I know he likes attention but is it really just about that? Thank you for reading...this is classic soap opera lol

I dont know what to think or do or say




RomanceClass.com Advice
My sense is that he is not ready to committ to the other women either. Just because he spent nine months with her means nothing.

The real problem, and this is just a guess, is that you won't sleep with him. That is what he would expect of you if you were committed. So, in effect, he won't commit until you do.

He must like you a lot to still be in such close contact after all these months. I think you can trust that he cares for you.

As with all relationships, you must communicate well with him, share feelings so trust is strengthened, and give him affection (not necessarily physical but maybe hugs, pecks on the cheeks, holding his arm, etc.)

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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