Jealousy is Ruining our Relationship
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm extremely jealous of other girls when my partner is around them, and my jealousy problem is ruining our relationship. When we try to talk about why I'm jealous, he gets mad and says thats a stupid reason then I feel like he doesn't care. (How would I talk to him about my jealousy problem without causing another "jealous fight")
we love each other so much but its getting harder to be together because we fight I want to work things out... I need you help!
OK, there are a few things going on here. Let's work through them backwards. When two people who love each other have a discussion about something, one should never yell at the other because how they feel is stupid!! That is about as counter-productive as I can imagine. And since it is in HIS best interest to have this issue solved, for him to be so incredibly unhelpful is just downright bad.
So first off, read the advice I have on having a serious talk -
Set the scene. And then explain that you need to TALK with him, and that you will respect how he feels - but that he must also respect how YOU feel. It doesn't matter if he *agrees* with how you feel or not. He has to respect that it IS how you feel if you guys are going to get anywhere. You can't just dismiss emotions, and for him to do that really shows a lack of respect on his part. He has to accept *all* of you - that is what a relationship is all about.
OK, so you talk about the jealousy. And you try to explain why you're jealous and he doesn't understand it. Again, that's ok! He has to accept that you DO feel that way and that you are trying your best to explain why and understand it. What he should be doing that is PRODUCTIVE is to help you examine those feelings. Instead of saying "that's stupid", he should really think about the situation and try to ask WHAT it is about that particular situation is causing the problem. He's in it, after all. He is the best person to give thoughts on it. Is it because the girl is one he knows and cares about? Is it because she's pretty? What is it about the situation that seems threatening?
Once you start to nail it down, you can talk together about ways to handle it. If it's that you don't feel pretty enough for him, you both can take steps to help you feel more beautiful. If it's that you feel you can't trust him, you can work together to help you feel more trusting. But if he isn't even talking to you in the first place about this without yelling at you, that is the more serious issue.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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