New Friendship or continuation of affair?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have known a wonderful woman for over 10 years now, and currently I am 30. When we first met, we dated some, off and on mostly for about the first 3 years, but she never has been able to come through with her feelings. After that she met another guy, got pregnant and had a wonderful little girl. She married the other guy last april, and yes, I was at the wedding to support her. About 2 months after the wedding, she and I started having an affair, that ended a couple of weeks ago. Basically the affair lasted alittle over a year itself. She told me before the wedding and affair, that she was only marrying him because he was the father of her daughter and that "it was time since they had been living together for several years" but admited then and now that its not a true, weak knee love. She has told me for years how I was the guy she should have been with all along and stayed with had she known better.

He husband has been married twice before, was out of work for the first year they were married, hasnt been paying child support during that time, and I understand he hasnt visited his other children since leaving them years ago. I have helped pay bills for them, even rented her a house when she was wanting to leave him. According to her, he will not help around the house except for mow the lawn occassionally, and complains some about watching the daughter when she has to work weekends.

Now, all of a sudden everything is so wonderful for her with him, but...She still wants to be friends with me though, as in: visit before and after work she goes to work, have lunch every day possible, go to the store together when he isnt with her, and similar things. When I cant be there, she calls my cell phone and we talk. asked "why dont you call (husbands name)?" and she replies, "I want to talk to you". Its not that I dont like her. I LOVE HER, always have, and I guess in many many ways always will...but it drives me crazy because its like she wants both.

I have stated to her nothing more then visiting and talking unless she and I have a commitment with each other and she is divorced. I even suggested that I move about 10 hours away so that I would not be a problem with their marriage, and she wouldnt hear of it. Her words were, "you need to be here so I can look after you". She has hinted that maybe one day, one day she'll be divorced and that she is only staying for the daughter and because of the religous vows. At lunch a couple of days ago, when we were leaving, she kissed me three times, and not quite a friendly type kiss either.

When I talk about the confused feelings I am getting from her, she says she cant understand why since she made it perfectly clear for me. When I ask a direct question she wants to talk about it later and will not answer it then complains that I am way too pushy.

Basically, I dont know what to do. Do I cast a friendship aside because there is still an emotional affair going on? Or should I try to correct her and stand by her as a friend? When I have corrected her this last week, mentioning we are just friends, she should spend this or that time with her husband instead of me, and I dont want to be a problem in the marriage, she pops up and replies "I am not going to comprimise my family or faith for you and you need to understand that". When I dont correct her she keeps mentioning one day maybe there can be an "US". Am I confused, or is she?

What do I do? leave? stay and try to help, or? Advice
I think that secretly she wants to be caught by her husband and him divorce her.

That way she wouldn't be the once who sought the divorce. Of course, she would be the one to blame for the divorce but she may be blocking this out.

You don't seem to be confused at all... she is.

You need to figure out what will make you happy... waiting around for her or moving away and starting a new life. This thing could drag on for 10 years if you aren't careful. My advice is to move away.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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