I am very confused
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been married for a year. My husband and I both aknowledge that the relationship is not what we thought it would be. Our fights are often and dirty. My husband does not understand me he is very defensive and often feels he is under attack. He has been verbally abusive, often telling me to shut up, etc.. He gets very, very agitated and is unable to come up with the words express himself so he just gets very mad. We are in therepy and it was working for about three weeks. Then he started having his little panic attacks again getting very frustrated and telling me to shut up etc for days in a row. It's now gotten to the point where I am afraid to be close to him. I am afraid if I emotionally get back into the relationship the same cycle will start again. he feels bad right now and is on his best behavior, but in a few days or a couple of weeks he'll be back to his verbal abuse and inability to express himself in a healthy and productive manner. I am catholic, there has never been a divorce in my family. We don't have kids, and I long for children, but I would never want to bring anyone else into this. Jump to 3rd party. I have a very special bond with another man. He has always been there for me and has always seemed to have a very keen understanding of who I am as a person. What my husband would find annoying and/or abbrasive, this person has always found to be funny or endearing. I always knew we had a special connection and we had a talk about about it. He feels the same way. Neither of us want to escalate anything or start an affair. We acknowlege there is something special but know that cheating is wrong and have no intentions to cheat. This person wants children and wants to be serious with someone. I feel that the connection is very special and I want to be with him. My fear and/or question is that the the freindship/feelings I have for the new man are complicating my decision to divorce. Divorce would be devastating, my family would be very upset. I care about my husband, but this is not how a marriage should be. In many ways I feel like I am his mother not his wife. When I talk to him he gets distracted and looks at the TV. I am so confused.
You are receiving professional counselling and it appears to be doing some good. Definitely continue with that.
If you do end up divorcing, this effort at counselling will help your family to understand how seriously you took the problem and the steps you took to resolve the problems.
On the other hand, it would do great harm if you took up with this other gentleman either now or soon after a divorce. In fact, you might question your own choice if you made an abrupt decision.
I have no advice on your husband's behavior. There probably is some explanation in is upbringing, but that is guesswork. Have you ever tried telling him to "shut up" back when he says it to you? It may help him understaand how you feel. It might make it worse too.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com