Money or Love

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hello, and thank you for taking the time to consider my dilemma. I have been dating a man for the past 6 years. Let me begin by saying he is a wonderful, caring person with a good heart, and I have alot of love for him, and I know he loves me back. HOWEVER....I am so torn between whether to stay in the relationship or move on that it consumes my mind every free second I have. You see, when we first started dating at age 21 he fit into my life perfectly, but now I am not so sure. We have been living in my parent's home in my bedroom for the past 3 years hoping to save money, but he just seems to keep digging a bigger financial hole from backed child support, absolutly ruined credit from past mistakes with no intent to make right on the money he owes, medical bills from an accident, college tuition (which his brother had to co-sign for) to the bank closing his checking account because he owes for overdrafting so much. His financial baggage is EXCESSIVE (at least $100,000 with nothing to show for it). He has to use my fathers vehicle for transportation because he cannot get his own fixed. He has to use my credit card when he needs things. I am paying bills for him and giving him money for gas and day to day living expenses. It is OUT OF CONTROL!! I am working two full time jobs trying to get my career started, and saving money (behind his back of course..lest he gets his hands on it as he once has before). 6 years ago the circumstances were exactly the same, except back then I did not consider the future as I do now, and I figured that by now some positive actions would be in place to rectify the situation. As I have matured over the years this has really become a major area of concern for me. The bottom line is I am ready for a future. It is the time in my life that I feel I should be buying a home, and starting a family. I am a smart attractive woman I almost feel like I am selling myself short. I love my boyfriend very much, and I would hate to put him out with nothing and nowhere to go, but I resent him at the same time. He has lost my respect. Am I being materialistic, or holding onto a dead end future with this man? I don't know whether to stick it out and carry the financial burden for both of us the rest of our lives (in my gut I do not feel he will ever change) for the sake of love, or move on and find someone who can be less like a child and more like a man and contribute their part. Advice
Sorry you are in this dilemma.

I suggest that you not think of this as a choice between love and money.

Instead think of it as a choice between current love and your future life.

Think ahead to when you are 50 or 60. Can you, by yourself, support the man you have dated for 6 years, a house, and possibly children? Is it reasonable to take a huge risk like that?

Perhaps you should have a trial separation to see if that might turn him around. Perhaps he might become responsible if he stopped living off of you.

You run the risk of losing him, but there are other men looking for a bright, attractive, active woman like yourself. There are other men with the financial ability to help support you for a while, if necessary so you don't have to work two jobs.

If the man you have dated for 6 years really loved you wouldn't he be trying his hardest to take care of his own self?

This is not an easy decision to make, but you will probably feel better if you make a decision rather than to meander along and let chance make it for you.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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