I don't know what to do
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
This is going to be a tough one I'm sure. I suppose I should begin with how this started so here goes... For some background info: I began dating this girl with 3 months before we graduated high school. I had seen her go through a lot. Her last b/f before me had died suddenly 8 months before this in a car wreck. This guy was a friend of mine, so watching her go through this ordeal opened my eyes to the type of person she was. I had known who she was since I was in 7th grade but until watching her go through this tragedy was not attracted to her. I was in another relationship until this time. After it ended I pursued her. We began dating and moved fast. Over the next 3 months we feel deeply in love with each other, it was not something which we could resist. I knew then that this was the girl that I was going to marry. I absolutely knew that she felt the same way. We shared every part of our lives with one another. I knew she loved me and she knew I love her. These feeling have never changed for me. After about a year and a half I had begun to push her away though. I had become depressed over some of the things happening in my life and questioned why she was with me. My parents had been going through a dramatic divorce right before my eyes and I didn't know how to handle the dismantling of my family. So things weren't the same as when we started seeing each other. I didnít communicate this to her because at the time I didnít understand. I broke up with her. I felt like I needed to because I knew that she wasn't happy, but looking back I now know why. I figured that space between us would cause us both come to our senses and snap out of our separation, making our relationship stronger. She came back to me but something didnít seem right. Then she met a guy which worked at the bank she banked at. This guy was older and offered to help her shop for a car since she needed one. There relationship progressed and I went crazy. I couldnít understand how she couldíve discarded our love. I knew I lost something that I knew couldn't be replaced. After about 6-8 months I learned that she was engaged. Her grandfather owns a business that we had both worked for, and which I sill do. So, I found this out from her in person, and saw her reaction to this. She had been hiding her hand from me all day. I figured it out, swallowed my hurt and told her that I was happy for her. She told me she needed to talk. After work we did. Over those next, two or three hrs she told me how she loved this guy and so on but didnít convince me. So I helped her out. She told me that she wasnít sure but was. I couldn't help but sense that she had been trying to get me to say something to get her to change her mind. She seemed sad about telling me about how she felt about this guy which I donít understand still how she could. I did not express how I wanted her and how she was making a bad decision. Instead I told her that what I wanted the most was for her to be happy and to pursue that where she needed to. I left it up to her. This was the most important thing to me, then and now, for her to go after what she needed. So the conversation ended. This was two years ago and was the last time that I saw her. She is married now and has been for a year and a half I think. But this is where it gets more complicated. My father is a doctor and has been seeing her for the past 2 years. He had begun to see her and her parents regularly while we were still dating. She recently was in a car accident, so the frequency of her visits to his office has increased. In the past my father has told me when he had seen her and in doing this had always seemed to be implying something. He knew how I felt about this girl so I didnít quite understand why he would mess with me like this. He saw that it upset me. Then a couple days ago I pressed him about the subject. He cracked and told me that she had been talking to him about her marriage and how unhappy she was. How she never really loved her husband and married him because she felt sorry for him. she couldnít say no because she didnít want to hurt him and that she has been thinking about divorcing him. I was baffled and still am. I donít understand how she could tell me one thing and my father another. And whatís more, donít know why she is confiding in my father. The feelings I had about this during our last conversation when I discovered her engagement have seemed to be confirmed. My father went on to tell me that she is supposed to be going to Pensacola next week with her parents to try and clear her head and sort out her feelings. Yikes! This place she is going is where I expressed my feelings of eternity for her. I told her I was going to marry her there! There I a lot of symbolism and irony in this whole situation which is really hard to discard. But, I donít know if I am putting the things together here right or if Iím having a bad spell of wishful thinking. I am still in love with this girl but what is more important to me than my feelings is that she is happy. She knows that I want this for her, that she deserves to be happy. My father told me that she had started to come to the conclusion of divorce 3 or 4 months ago. At about this same time she sent me an email, which came to me after about a year of no communication between us, telling me about how she was sorry about how things ended with us and how I must hate her for this. I didnít respond to this then, because I didnít know how to without crossing any lines. Yesterday I did, but did so in a way where I didnít cross these lines. I told her that I didnít hate her and not to feel bad about what she thinks she did to me, that the problems in my life are not her fault and that she didnít do anything wrong to me. I asked for forgiveness for being selfish with her heart and how I acted towards the end of our relationship. I let her know that all I wanted for her is to be happy and I am glad that she is in a place where she can find it. She doesnít know what my father has told me, I believe. at least I know he hasnít said anything to her. She wrote me back today and told me how much my compassion for her means. She still feels like she hurt me and explained that things ended the way they did between us because she was running away from her problems and feels like a coward for doing that. I really donít know what to think and how I should react to this. I donít know why she is telling my father of all people about her marriage problems. I have more information about her than she knows. I feel like she is reaching out to me the same way I felt she was when I found out she was getting married. I feel that she loves me still and think she has stayed away from me the past two years because she is scared somehow. Iím not sure what to think, and especially what to do. I donít want to ruin her marriage, yet I donít want to miss out on the love of my life because of not responding to some signals. Iím sorry that I have written so much. I felt like I had to in order to explain the situation I was going through. Iíve been prepared to let go of this girl if that is truly what she wants but I know in my heart that this woman is the one for me. Please help anyway you can.
Be open and honest with her.
Tell her that you sense she is unhappy with her marriage and that she is drawn to you. Tell her how much you care for her.
No need to involve your father in this explanation.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com