Spending Time Together

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Hi, I am 15 and my boyfriend is 17. we have been dating 9 months and I really really like him. I am his first serious (well only) relationship the last girlfriend he had was when he was in 8th grade and they dated 1 day.

My question is how do I get him to start calling me, and spending more time with me? He has only been over to my house 3 times in our 9 months. He never calls me, when we first started dating he use to call me ALL The TIME! Now he is always with his friends and he promised me he would come over one day this week i asked him to come over tomorrow, he goes well i have a lot of S*it to do and i already made plans with my friend.

So i asked him to come over and he goes well I might tomorrow night after I get done fishing with ____. Which might usually means no.

How can I get him to spend more time with me and show he loves me? Please help.

RomanceClass.com Advice
I'll start with the last thing first, people should never have to "show" they love each other by doing certain actions. Love is something you feel for each other, and different people show it in different ways. Some people have to say they love each other all the time, some people don't say it at all but feel it very strongly. Some people are touchy-feely and others aren't. So don't equate his visiting you with how he feels about you - he could feel very, very strongly about you but have some sort of a hang-up about *visiting* your house.

Try to isolate exactly what the issue is. For example, if you go over to his house, is that fine with him? If you call him up, is he happy to talk? It could be that the closer he gets to you, the more uncomfortable he is being in your house with your mom and dad. It's fine to see mom and dad around when you're just holding hands. It's a lot more uncomfortable to be with them when you know you are kissing and such. So what if you guys meet somewhere "neutral" like a pizza place or the movies? Maybe that would be easier for him and still let you see him more often.

You said he likes fishing - so why not go with him? If you want to spend time with him, figure out his hobbies and join in. Sure it might not be your favorite thing to do. But you could spend hours with him, and you might even get really good at it :)

But let's say it's not that. Let's say you try that, and he just doesn't want to go *anywhere* with you - that he is choosing his friends instead. Stomping your feet won't help here. You have to show him in a reasonable way that he is continuously choosing other people over you - and that the whole point of being a girlfriend is that you are NOT just a friend, you are someone who is more special than a friend. So if you get to the point that you are offering to meet him places and do things with him, and he is doing those things with *other people instead*, sit down and talk with him about it. Point out to him examples of when you were willing to do something, and he actively chose to do it with someone else. Explain that you don't mind him having friends - we all have friends! - but that you should be a priority in his life as a girlfriend. Ask him why he is therefore choosing to do things with people OTHER than you when you are sitting there waiting for him.

Hopefully that will give him a wake-up call. Relationships don't just happen - and girlfriends aren't dolls that sit by the phone waiting for the call. A guy is supposed to be BEST FRIENDS with his girlfriend and that means he actively works to keep her involved in his life.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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