Jealousy on Many Levels
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have a few problems down here...
Recently, my girlfriend wanted to join cheerleading class. I cannot really accept that as i know that she will be having lots of physical contact with other guys. I don't like the idea of some other guy touching my girlfriend here and there. I know that i should let her go for it since i should not tie her up, but by letting her go, i'll feel miserable at the thought of guys touching her. I guess i'm a bit possessive, but i really want her to be happy. She knows that i don't like her being touched by some other guy, but she said that she really wants to go for the cheerleading classes, and asked for my support. I really really want to give her my support, but once again, i feel terrible just thinking about it! What should i do to feel better? What is the best way out?
Another thing.. some guy asked my girlfriend out to watch a movie. She agreed. I'm not really happy over that cos that guy seems to be calling her everyday (i suppose even close friends don't do this?), furthermore, they only met a week ago through some school programmes. It's like, i know my girlfriend still loves me, but i just don't like the idea of her being asked out by another guy whom i suppose, likes her. I do trust my girlfriend, but i don't trust the other guy! If i don't let her go, she may think that i'm trying to control her freedom, but by letting her go to watch movies with him, i'll not be very happy and i'll think alot about the stuff the guy may do.
Lastly, i don't really like my girlfriend to wear clothes that are too revealing. One of my friends was peeped at by some guy, and i don't want that to happen to my girlfriend. I don't want her to be peeped by someone! But at the same time, i feel it's unfair for her cos' i think she has the right to wear clothes that she like. I really don't know what to do.
Am i being too possessive? Do help me! I want to feel better and i want to both of us to be happy. The last thing i want to is to end this relationship cos' i love her alot.
Let's take the first issue first. She wants to be a cheerleader! That's a very athletic sport that takes a lot of discipline and training. Cheerleaders definitely aren't the bubble-headed girls of 30 or 40 years ago - cheerleaders today are expected to be in quite good shape and perform all sorts of athletic feats. Sure, guys will be involved. But what if she was on a co-ed volleyball team? Would you not want her playing because guys might bump into her? Part of the key of having a girlfriend is to accept her love without locking her in a room where nobody else can see or touch her. She has chosen to be with you, and you have chosen to be with her. She can still have other friends, she is not your possession. You don't own her. You two have mutually agreed you care for each other the best and that *certain* things - kissing etc - will be shared only between you two.
That also goes for question #3 about dressing. She feels good about herself and dresses to be pretty. You should be proud that she is pretty and that she has good self esteem. You probably wouldn't be happy if she was always going around saying she was ugly, wearing floor length parkas and refusing to go out. You need to have equal self esteem, that you are proud of your girlfriend and proud to be known to be with her.
#2 is more tricky. It is of course very important for girls to have guy friends and visa versa. And they should do things together. However, the boyfriend should always be the most important person in the girlfriend's life. There are of course guys out there that don't value a relationship and who would think nothing of jumping in and breaking one up for their own selfish reasons. And for a girl to allow a guy to do that would be irresponsible. She has a responsibility to you and to your relationship, to do her part to maintain it. To allow in essence a 'dangerous guy' to start driving a wedge in daily is unhealthy. Yes, you trust her. And yes, she cares for you. But if you had a deliberately invasive guy chasing just about ANY girl day in and day out, she might weaken. If her aim is to stay with you, she should not be accepting advances from another guy. It's one thing to have him as a friend. It's another thing to in essence *encourage* him to keep up this contact. She's in essence saying that she is interested in him a lot and that his continuous advances are OK and maybe even desired! That's not a good thing to tell the other guy - since she is TAKEN. It's not a good thing for HER, because it will damage her relationship with you. And of course it's not a good thing for you either.
So on the third issue, I would sit down with her. Tell her you love her and trust her and care for her. But tell her she's being unfair to this other guy by in essence leading him on and making him think he has a chance with her. She might think he's just being friendly. But you're right, friends don't call friends daily like this when they first meet. He is *interested* in her, and she is encouraging him. Which is not what she should be doing, since she HAS a boyfriend - you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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