Am I too jealous?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My boyfriend 36 years old loves me and wants to marry me but I am jealous of his behaviour.
1.I share his admiration for the women he finds physically attractive,which is normal but feel hurt when:
a.he publicly stares at women for 5mins. making eye contact.
b.leers at their breasts and butts making their partners uncomfortable.
c.leers at young teenage girls butts and makes comments
d.compartamentalises women saying"she would be good for a ####but not for marriage"
2.I admire the actresses he says he idolises but feel hurt when he says"if I had X in my bed I would kick you out of bed and put you in the bath"."if she was in my bed,wow what I would do".Frequently tells other men publicly,"watch this movie with X actress but don't watch it with your wife .You might have a sexual fantasy"
3.Flirts with waitresses,touches their hands,tells them they're very pretty and holds their attention with long conversations excluding me.They often then focus on me because they are so embarressed by his behaviour.
4.I'm happy that he has a past hopefully he will have a deeper understanding of women but he only confides the sexual details.Talks continually about his exes sexually.Goes off into reveries in front of me reminiscing about a sexual escapade.Reminds me that while I was living my life he was getting laid.In the past year I have heard about 40 sexual conquests stories with no emotional context but he won't stop when I ask him.
5.Makes sexually suggestive jokes in front of me socially about wanting to pick up other women.Talks openly socially about his sexual fantasies about actresses to other people in front of me about the magazines he looks at full of all the women he would like to have sex with.Tells my self and other people that he's always meeting drop,dead gorgeous women. Tells people that he has slept with nearly every women he has worked with or met.Tells people that when he was young he stayed up all night having sex and now it only lasts 20 minutes.Says all of the above have no reflection on our relationship and he is free to say whatever he wants.
6.Talks to his best friend about our problems finding solutions with her but not with me.She is always saying that he is chatting up women when they go out and that he would jump on anything with 2 legs.He enjoys hearing her say these things in front of me and they have an on going joke about what a womaniser he is. 7.Talks to my 10 year old son about picking up women.
8.He says that he is an incorrigable flirt and charmer and likes to charm because he knows he can then run away when he wants.And it's true that he has had ongoing flirtations asking women out but not taking it any further.Some were hidden and others he just implied.He has compared me physically to one of his stronger flirtations and even got depressed and angry about it.This hurt me.He was never completely honest but he gave enough information to create doubts.
9.He says all of the above is normal behaviour and mostly superficial and the most important things are what he does for me and not what he says and he is unaware that any of the above would hurt me and that he is very innocent and considers me like the thought police.
I feel jealous and yes belittled as his partner.I realise that his image as a womaniser although a thing of the past is something he wants me to live with in the present and admire and accept and be continually reminded of both privately and publicly by not accepting this I am hurting his identity.I understand that life can be dreary and monogamy not much fun as an image for some men and although I'm a tall redhead ex-dancer and model.I've lived the glamour and a lot of it is not interesting.I'm happy being a normal person that is all definitely in the past and I rarely reminisce except for old friends.But I feel that my future husband may have invented some of the things he says to make his life more interesting.Although I love him his behaviour is confusing me and making me jealous.I feel I am too jealous for this relationship.
He probably won't change his ways, and if he did he would hate it.
You have to decide whether you can live with his behavior or not... knowing that he will continue acting this way the rest of his life.
Perhaps you could get him to modify his ways in little ways and that might help you feel better. For example, what he says to your son is not proper and you could probably get him to stop there. You may be able to think of some other small ways he could change.
You are not the mind police, you are not too jealous, and he is not acting normally. He is acting out as a macho, macho man and can't change himself much any more.
Think about what he could change and have a long, honest, trusting, and caring talk with him about the possibilites of some compromises. If that doesn't work you might have to consider dumping him.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com