My Guy has a Fiance

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am in the military, and I went home on leave and came back and while I was gone this guy had come home from being deployed so we met for the first time. It wasn't anything at first, cause he has a fiance and I was uninterested in having a boyfriend. But we hung out a lot as soon as we met, with his friends as well who have become my friends. And before we knew what was happening we found ourselves falling for each other. We found ourselves not being able to even seperate from each other. We just got along so well, neither of us were able to explain. It wasn't even a month and he was telling me that he had fallen in love with me.

Well then reality hit and he is having to make a decision between me and his fiance. He was scheduled for leave to go home and marry her, and visit his family. Well he went on leave to try and figure things out, and now I am so scared that he is going to marry her. I mean he is not the kind of guy that likes to spend every second with a girl, even his mother said so, but with me he just never could let go. He wanted to be together all the time..and so did I.

Now I don't know what to do. I am driving myself crazy wondering what is going to happen. Am I just fooling myself. I don't know how to get my mind off of this. I think of it all the time. I am just waiting for a call or an email from him to let me know what's going on, I don't normally get like this so I don't know how to handle it. What do I do? Advice
I know it's hard to think about it when you're IN new love, but the entire evolutionary reason for that rush of passion and emotion and feeling at the beginning of a love affair is to get you guys to stick together. It's a very normal, very natural thing. And then the love matures and the feelings are less intense, but grow deeper.

It sounds like you two were swept into the whirlwind new love emotions and of course really enjoyed them. You have similar interests, you get along well, it is all pretty natural. But as we know, many, many new loves drift away over time because they don't stand the test of time. That's not bad or good, it's just normal life. That's why people don't marry after a month - they marry after a year or two when they are really sure that their relationship was meant to last.

So for him to compare your new-love-rush of a month against his long-term-commitment with his fiance is going to be incredibly tough, if not impossible. How does he KNOW what he has with you is going to mature into what he already has with his fiance? If he was capable of cheating on his fiance with you, why wouldn't he be capable of then running into someone ELSE out there that will also catch his attention? One of the lessons of life is that there is ALWAYS someone else out there who seems appealing and interesting, no matter who you are with. The world has millions of people in it and a fair number of those are young, attractive, and share interests. If you're going to jump ship every time a new one comes along, you're not going to maintain any long term relationships. The "other woman" always feels she's different, she's special. But experience shows that that is rarely the case.

So I know it's really hard, but you need to try to get a realistic mindset about this. You had fun with him, it was powerful and strong. New love is like that. But he HAD a commitment to someone else, someone that at one point was that same strong, powerful love and someone that he continued to stay with. Someone who trusted him, who waited for him and survived the many difficulties of long distance relationships with him. If he does choose her, it does not mean that YOU were unworthy or "not as good". It just means that she had her chance to prove her love, that her love was not just about that new-love-rush. Timing was against you, and you never had a chance to prove that your love would have survived just as well ... and on the other hand you never had the opportunity to see things crumble away after the relationship went long-term. And you never had the opportunity to see if, if you guys were stationed apart, he lasted a length of time before some other "nearby girl" began to seem interesting to him.

So if he comes back to you, realize that this is going to take serious work, and that his past behavior really doesn't give strong reliability in his honoring a commitment. A guy who is engaged should NOT be spending so much time with another woman that he falls in love with her. No matter how appealing she is to him. That's the whole point of a commitment, to honor it and stay away from temptation.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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