Live together-yet not together anymore
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Where to begin...He and I have been together for several years now, not married, have 2 kids together and have different schedules. In the begining it was great (like all relationships are) we had so much in to talk about, common things,etc. After we had our first child, things changed. In that time, we split up but we lived together at the time. He came back and we were in a comfortable zone. In that time he dropped hints of us not getting along and not spending time together and not having much in common anymore. I would talk to him about it, and we made up. By surprise, we had a second child. Around that same time, we split up again. This time is was for about a month, we lived together, but since he worked nights and me days, we rarely saw each other. Our focus was on the kids at that point. Eventually we made up, things were fine (for awhile) and I was in a content phase.
I have accepted his imperfections and he still has a problem with my flaws which he says was part of this reccent split. I have tried to control them and he knows, Such as arguing, etc, but it bothers him so badly sometimes, he just leaves for a while for some air.
Which brings me to where we are today, almost seven years later. Recently he went on 2 trips with his friends. Keep in mind, he has never really went places with me (he says cause we would argue and not get along by me doing something obnoxious). When he left, we were great. He came home and he was distant. He didn't give me the same love like he used to. I then confronted him about this (as I am the talker in the realtionship) and he indicated to me that he had been thinking, and speaking to older people about our issues we have had. And how he was treating me and stuff.
Basically, they said that we were not fair to each other to be together. WE were hurting each other by being unhappy together.
I was shocked. I was ahppy cause to me, realtionships have ups and downs-you work through them. I questioned and cried my eyes out, asking for answers. He indicated to me that we are two different people, different personalities, I have obnoxious behavior, etc. I explained to him that I stood by his side through everything and all his flaws and he never told me to go places with him (he says he has tried that-but it was nothing in comparision to what him and his friends did) and I thought that us together we could work this out.
Well he texted messaged me and told me that he wanted time apart to see if this is what he wants and for us to discover what is not making this relationship work right amymore. I explained to him that we had our kids quite early in the realtionship and I was focused on being a great mom and neglected him-and I apologized to him for that. It was not enough for him-he wanted his space.
But in the same time, he never called me as much, since he worked until real late, he would not talk to me at all. We live together and that is BAD, cause I want him to love me like he did before, but he walks by me and never even touches me. He says the attraction is still there and he is preventing himself from giving in-he states that he loves me and that he needs to clear his head....I am going CRAZY OR WHAT?
I was so secure before that even when he was out with his friends I trusted him. now I cant sleep over this and I have looked deep into myself not to be possessive and controlling and have tried to soak up all of the time we talk in a positive manner.
My concern now is since he was saying he was going to move out, he has not done so. I have not said anything about it yet either. Out of sight out of mind would be the reason why I think (I think my insecurity is speaking there). In addition, right before the split, we made plans to go to on a trip, then after an argument right after the split he did not want to go anymore. I convinced him to go and instead of turning me down, he said, Sure I'll go. I have asked him about this trip periodically so I can take time off, he seems like he is going to go-but I am not sure, the last i know of this trip is me asking him and that he would check to make sure he can go.
My thing is, after hearing this story about my situation, should I go on this trip with him? Should I try to work moves on him to get him back in my life? I just want the spark back that we had and I miss him dearly...I know it is still there.
First thing you need to do is to see a professsional counselor.
Go by yourself and see what you can discover. It may turn out that he is trying to control you with his concern about arguing. Or, it may be that unfair arguing is part of your upbringing. In that case you can learn some strategies to fight fairly.
Meanwhile, my advice is to try a trip with him and see if you can get that spark going at least for a while.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com