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I want more time, he wants less



Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I am 18 and I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. We started the first few months of our relationship in a setting where we saw each other every day, all the time (a summer camp type thing). When we went back home, we couldn't see each other as much as we go to different schools, but we adjusted.

Now, I feel like I am in a long distance relationship. He is satisfied hanging out once a week but I feel like I need to see more of him than that. It's great talking on the phone and stuff but I feel like in order to stay close, we need to spend more time together. I love him so much but I have found myself crying a lot lately because of this.

I have tried asking him out during the week but he always seems to be busy or he'll say yes than cancel. Am I just being a clingy brat? I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you very much.




RomanceClass.com Advice
When I was first reading your question, it seemed like the traditional long distance relationship sort of question - we find ourselves far apart, how do we keep the love alive given that distance. I was going to reply that many couples are quite in love despite a distance issue, and that I have tips here for maintaining the connection:

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveCat/54711

but then I got to what I consider the key issue - that you DO invite him out during the week and HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU. I have to admit that that was VERY jarring. And it makes the entire situation much different. This isn't a long distance issue. It is a HIS TIME BALANCE issue.

Each of us has a balance we find in life. We give some time to work, some time to sports, some time to friends, some time to family. We find percentages of time that seem to work within what we have available.

While of course most of us have to work and sleep, that leaves a fair number of ours "free" to persue other interests. And a relationship should always be the main interest there. That's the whole point of being boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife (or whatever you call it) - that you and this person are partners and sharing your worlds. Yes, you have friends. Yes, you have hobbies and other things to do. But you've chosen this one special person to really be your companion to share everything with. Otherwise, why are they a "girlfriend"? Why aren't they just "a female friend"?

So it seems like you are wanting that level of contact and closeness, to really share your world with him, to actively have fun together and do things together and enjoy being together. You like him! You enjoy spending time with him. You'd love to think up walks and picnics and other ways to spend time together. Which is natural and normal.

But he doesn't have you as a priority. Yes, you're fine for weekends. But in all those other hours he'd *rather* be with friends. He's *rather* be doing other things. That very clearly states where his priorities are. And maybe it points out something that is missing at the basic level of your relationship. Because every great relationship SHOULD be between two best friends. He should WANT you there with him and his "friends" when he has fun - because you SHOULD be his friend too - his BEST friend! He should want you along when he does other things. Why would he deliberately NOT want you along?

It's almost as if he thinks of you in a certain category (I'm just making guesses here) like the "Girl I Date". So he brings you out when it is Date Time - to "Go To a Movie" or "Go Out to Dinner". He thinks of you as someone that is suitable for certain key event types. But he doesn't think of you as a "Great Friend to Be With". He thinks of you as someone that requires effort and special events. But he doesn't think of you as someone "fun" that he can just hang around with and talk.

If that's true at all, then it IS time to talk - to show him that you are able to hang out, to just hang around, to be there, to talk with him, to be his best friend. That is THE most important thing you guys can possibly be for each other. So really talk to him about that - that you enjoy being with him, that you want to hang out with him and that it's SILLY for you to sit home alone when you could be going along with him to fun things.

And ask him, honestly, why he does NOT think of having you along when he does his weekly things. Don't get upset by his answer. Remember, you're trying to get him to talk, and in order for him to talk he has to feel comfortable being honest. Get him to say how he feels, and then say "OK I accept that" whatever it is - and then think about it for a few days. See if there is a way to find a solution you both will enjoy.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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