Is this unrequited love?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I met this guy last August and we hit it off. To make a long story short and sweet, we've dated seriously for about 5 out of the 8 months (we broke up for 2 when we both got scared of our feelings). Since we've been together again for the past 2 months, things have been FANTASTIC! We got past some of our fears and really opened up all the way this time until now - we're hitting the Love factor... I could say it and he couldn't.
THE PROBLEM: I know, what could be a bigger problem? WELL, in less than 3 weeks he ships out for 6 months (Navy)! We broke up for a week 2 weeks ago (the aforementioned L-word conversation) but it didn't last... he said that he's in turmoil over his feelings. He felt that I wasn't getting what I wanted. He could see that I was crazy about him and felt pulled to be with him whenever possible (but not clingy). Yet, when he's NOT with me he thinks about me all the time yet doesn't feel "pulled back" to me, but he has the time of his life when we ARE together.
We're VERY open in communication and sometimes say what the other one thinks before it even comes out. We've talked about the possiblity of him being "emotional unavailable" due to his failed marriage and other stuff. But he says that he does feel - like he hates to think of me being with someone else, and when he thinks about marrying another woman and what he wants in a relationship, what will make him happy - I am the one he sees. He sees me as being "the one"... yet he can't seem to feel (or maybe "show"?) crazy about me as I am him and I think that scares him. And me... do people just love differently? I don't want to not be loved in return - or have him fake it just because he likes how I treat him.
I mean, he made a point to talk about us "making love" as opposed to "sex", he does little things every now and again to show he cares (like leave me to take a shower at his place while he goes and gets breakfast), and when he looks into my eyes... well, it's like I can HEAR him saying it but yet he can't say it out loud. There's other signs too but in the interest of time... He says he doesn't know what he's going to do about his 6 month deployment that's closing in on us, whether he's going to ask me to wait for him.... that hurt. I feel like this urgency is going to ruin things!
I don't want to MAKE him love me if he doesn't. And I don't want to make excuses for him. All I know is it kills me when I don't have him in my life because this is the strongest I've ever felt about anyone (and I didn't think that was possible). I don't want to be blind. But he told me that because of his rank in the Navy and his responsibilities, he has learned to have some emotional detachment because that is his life. He leaves. He has to be able to handle leaving anything behind and still be able to perform his duties. I want to believe his inability to say I LOVE YOU and ask me to wait is because of this part and his past. But am I blind - is this just a line (although I trust him completely)? Should I work at moving on or continue to love him with all my heart? And if I continue to love him, do I just give him what he needs and wait until 6 months are over or do I somehow help him to understand that I long for his attention even though he must have a million things he's thinking about (including leaving his son) before he leaves?
Give this more time.
While he's gone keep the communications flowing and when he returns begin to work again on creating a relationship that both of you are happy with.
After he returns give it another six months and if it isn't working for you then you will need to find the strength to move on.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com