Lost. Dont know what to do or think anymore
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Ok here is the situation I am currently in. I am with a girl that I am have been dating for 11 months today. We met at a prior job that we both now do not work at. When I met her there I was told that she was married. Well it was true. She said that they had seperated, but were back together again to try and work things out. Well part of the twist is that while they were seperated she got pregnany by some other guy. And them trying to work it out didnt happen because he couldnt take the fact that she had a kid with someone else. So they have been split up for quite a while now but are still married. There are certain reasons that come up why they dont get a divorce. She had the papers drawn up way before she got pregnant. But he used the tax money that was supposed to be for the divorce. Well now its more complicated cause the child is involved. Though its not his kid his name had to go on the birth certificate as the legal father because she was married at the time. So now there has to be a paternity test before they can get a divorce. And they are expensive. So I started dating her knowing this situation anyways, because hey I have a past that is not very good either. So who am I to judge her. So anyways everything is great we wind up seeing each other all the time the sex is great its like every day. Than I wind up kinda just moving in with her after like 3 months of dating. Kinda like went to stay a couple days and it turned into me moving in. Well anyways now she is pregnant with my kid. She is 7 months along. During this pregnancy I have busted her smoking weed 2 times and she lied to me both times about it. After she knew that she was busted the first time she came clean about it all. Swore on her son that she would never do it again. I am a very jealous person that has been working on my issues because I do love her and I dont want to push her away. I know what I do is wrong and I know the thoughts can kill us, so I choose to fix my problems. So I was going to let this go. Than she hit me with the news a few weeks later that my name is not going on the the birth certificate of my child either. I was heartbroken, angry, sad, depressed, among many other emotions. During this time I am the only one working cause I told her since you didnt have anyone there for your first son if you would like to you can stay home and not work. That way you dont have the added stress of work and you will also be able to spend more one on one time with your son before the new baby gets here. The day after this I was having a nervous breakdown at work due the the news that she gave me the night before. So I had to leave work. I went to my aunts house and talked to my 2 aunts about the situation and the things going on at home. They said go home and dont complain. Just do all the things that she isnt doing that you want her to and do not complain about any of it. So I did. Well when I got home she wasnt there. This was no suprise to me because I know that she babysits for the neighbor during the day for about and hour. The neighbor is the one I busted her smoking weed with the first time. Well I am home for like 20 min and she still isnt home, so I go next door to tell her that I am home. When I knocked on the door the neighbor answered and I asked if she was there. And the neighbor was like WHO? I am like you know who. Well she opened the door and my Girlfriend had that BUSTED look on her face. She came home I asked her if she was smoking weed and she said no. LIE. I said well was neighbor smoking around you and she said no. LIE. Than she said well yeah she smoked it but I didnt. I said bullshit you did smoke it your eyes are all bloodshot. Well 2 nights after that I called her mom and got her involved. That seemed to help I think. Now here come more lies. The sex has become alot less than before. Which I can understand because she is pregnant. Well we have 2 computers hers and mine. I was using them both one day and looking for a website on hers when I came across some porn. Not just normal porn, but also animal porn. I was shocked, among other things. When I confronted her about it she said there was a popup. Well I checked the history on google tool bar and she was searching for it. SO I told her dont lie to me. Well basically what I am getting at is that she has lied several times to me about the smoking weed and the porn and its not easy to get over the jealousy issue when there is no trust. I am still trying and I dont know what to do. I want to be with her I want to raise the children together. What can I do to bring our relationship more out in the open? TO get her to be honest, let her know that its ok that I wont judge her. I need help please
I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.
What you really need is couple counseling but maybe you can't afford it. But if you can, that's the way to go.
If you can't afford a divorce for her or counseling try calling your local community services agency and seek help.
The issue of trust can best be dealth with by having long gentle loving and trusting conversations where you each explain how you feel. Tell her the most important thing is for her to tell you the truth because that is how trust is built. Most people can handle the truth better than they can lies even if the truth hurts them.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com