Is He Cheating on me?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have been living together for the past two. We have always been really happy until recently and things have changed. I think that he is seeing someone else. I have found some text messages on his mobile from another girl. He doesn't know that i have found them what do i do? Advice
Well, if things have changed, that's the thing to focus on. It could be these messages are innocent, or that he's flirting with her. But either way, something must have been going not-right between you two to start with for him to even consider starting up this side friendly relationship. If you focus on that, you could find a way to fix things.

So find a quiet time to sit down with him. Say that you really care for him, and that you've noticed that things haven't been as happy as normal recently. Ask him if there's something that's been bothering him, something that's intruding on the happiness. Phrase it in a positive way, that you want the relationship to work and want to help him feel better.

Maybe he'll bring things up here. If so, talk together about ways you both can work to make things better. Say that you're going to focus 100% on making things better, and ask him to too. If that girl is just an innocent friend, then he'll be sure to focus on you. Having friends is healthy for a person, both male *and* female.

However, let's assume that he became unhappy with you both and he *is* starting a side affection with another woman. If he denies that anything is wrong and that you two ARE perfectly happy together when you have this talk, it might be good to mention that you came across the messages. Not in an accusatory manner, but in a "I think we both need to focus more on each other" manner. Say that *you'd* like to be getting and sending messages, that you two need to rekindle the spark. That it hurts you to be feeling a "loss" in your relationship and then to know that he's actively thinking about another woman but not giving you that time. And ask him if he can try focussing 100% on you (and you on him) for 2 weeks, to see how things improve.

He's obviously in the relationship with you and living with you. So he cares about you. This girl might be just a friend, or he could have gotten too relaxed in his relationship with you and this girl seemed 'new an exciting'. Either way, you need to remind him that his first focus should be you, and your first focus is him. He shouldn't be neglecting you and spending time you deserve on someone else. And in the end if he IS really interested in someone else, you deserve to be told. There are hundreds of men out there who WOULD think you're a wonderful person to be with. If your boyfriend isn't that guy any more, he has no right to 'keep you around' because it's convenient for him.

Good luck!!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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