Knowing if Someone is The One or Not

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
What do I do if the girl I'm seeing wants to take the relationship further, but I don't see a potential future with her? Also... What happens if you are with someone, and you don't really know for sure whether you want to be with that person or not, but you fall for someone related to that person? What if, you have the feeling like that person could very well, be... the "one" for you? Advice
It's very, very common to become fond of the best friend of your date, or the sister of your date, or the cousin of your date, or so on. It happens CONSTANTLY. The reason is first that you of course get to know this other person very well because you're always around each other. So where all the other girls in the world are "far off strangers", this relative/friend is someone you know pretty well. And relationships are always best with people you know very well, since the whole point of a relationship is to understand, trust and care for the person.

Second, sisters and cousins and friends all tend to have common backgrounds, common interests, common hobbies. So if you like Girl X because of the way she is, chances are you'll also like her relatives and friends because they're all going to be pretty similar to her. And if it turns out something bugs you about Girl X, it might be that her friends and relatives don't have that buggy trait.

The thing to remember is that a lot of relationships SEEM great at the beginning - that's nature's way of getting you to hook up! And then the deeper you get into them, the more you see the flaws and it becomes "work". So then another person comes along that's similar and POOF they SEEM great, and on it goes. New people have that "New Girl Shine" on them - i.e. you see all the good parts, you don't have to deal with the bad parts yet, and any unknown parts, you tend to automatically fantasize are going to be just the way you'd want them to be. So you tend to turn the people you aren't dating into fantasy figures that will be perfect - and you tend to see the person you're dating as a very flawed person.

But the way reality goes is that the "grass is always greener on the other side". Once you start dating this other person, they will be the person you're with a lot, the person you see the flaws of, and the person whose bad traits annoy you. The things you thought were cute at the beginning will get REALLY annoying soon. And once again it'll involve work to keep things going.

Also, if you start hopping from friend to friend (or sister to sister or whatever) it really damages your reputation and trust level. You've shown that you're willing to jump ship if something else looks better - and believe me in life there is ALWAYS something that looks better. It will make the new girl suspicious of everyone you guys hang out with, because you've already shown you're willing to slide on over to a new girl if she seems interesting. So it will cause a lot of damage to the ability of others to trust you, their ability to believe you when you say "No really! I will stay with you!" They will always hear in their mind "At least until I find someone prettier / funnier / etc".

So the main point is that if you're with someone, you have to make that relationship work with that person, or accept that it doesn't work - WITHOUT eyeing other people around as your next target. There are ALWAYS other targets out there and you'll never be happy in a relationship if you're always hopping to a new one. Like I said, if you're capable of saying "Well but XX is funnier!", there is *always* going to be someone funnier or sexier or whatever it is you value. But the basis of a relationship is trust, understanding and caring. The person you have *now* has spent months building up that with you and that is what really lasts in life and is important when you need a friend.

So look at your current relationship. Do you guys really enjoy talking with each other? Are you best friends? Do you trust each other fully? Do you tell each other everything? If so, then treasure and value that, and work on it even when things are rough. That is really special. If you guys DON'T have that, then talk about it with her and see if it can be fixed. If so, it's worth it to try. If not, then explain that and break up. But break up because you CANNOT make the current relationship work. NEVER break up because you want to go try out someone else that "seems interesting".

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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