Asking Out a Girl who Has a BF

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
There's this girl in my school i like alot. Its kinda like this, see, shes a really outgoin and friendly girl, shes funny, and kinda loud at times, but really cool, she flirts with a lotta guys, but i think im one of her favorites. Despite this, shes a good person and despite her flirting, she has never cheated on her bf.

Thats where my prob is, were friends, she smiles alot around me, we flirt occasionally, and shes given me a hug or two. I wanna ask her out, but i cant. She has a bf,. like i said, hes in grade 12, me and her are in grade 9, same class, me and her bf are kinda like chums, we hang around and joke occasionally. but i think hes becomin a lil suspicous of me that i may be feelin to close to his fair lady, so to speak.

I plan to ask her out, cuz i heard her bf is leavin soon, after grad. i dont know what to do though, i will keep hangin with her, but i dont want any trouble from her bf, hes a cool guy, so i dont wanna piss him off for no reason. i will ask her out, but i dont know when, it may seem right after her break up, because theyre gonna be seperated, but i dont know if i should, should i wait a bit or what Advice
OK first, you should NEVER ask out someone who is already dating someone. That just about screams out "I don't respect a relationship". If you're willing to disrespect a relationship by asking out a girl who already has a boyfriend - what does it mean when you are in a relationship? Does it mean you'll just dump the current girl if someone else looks better? That you'll go grab another girl who is dating someone else?

A girl wants to feel that a guy is loyal and can be trusted. That if she says she'll be his girlfriend, that he will be there for her and be trustworthy. She doesn't want to have to worry about where he is and who he is with and if he's going to break up with her every single second.

Now, it's really natural to care for and even fall in love with your friends. That is the BEST kind of relationship, the kind that goes from friendship to boyfriend-girlfriend. It means you already care for each other, and trust each other, and can talk with each other, and all of those very important things. So the *situation* you're in is perfect - but you can't cross that line until she is free *on her own*.

If you actively go in and try to break her away from her boyfriend, then you now place yourself into the role of the "guy who destroys relationships". And any time you guys have issues in the future, she's going to remember that ... that "I could have been with my old boyfriend except YOU came along and broke us up!" You never, never want to be in that position. You want it to be her choice, so that she is accepting of the choices she makes. Everybody wants to feel like they choose their own path in life. Nobody wants to feel like they were forced to do something by someone else.

Anyway, be there, be a great friend, be in her life. Be the one she knows and trusts and cares for and talks to. Be supportive. If/when she breaks up with him, she'll be sad. Be understanding. She'll need TIME to get over the rebound. Do NOT leap in at that point!! If you do, and she dates you because it's a "rebound thing" then once she gets through the rebound she'll probably break up with you *because* you were a rebound guy. And you don't want your relationship with her tainted like that.

So be there for her while she breaks up with her boyfriend. And be there while she *gets over* that relationship. And when she is through that and is ready to start looking to date again, there you will be, and it will be very natural for you guys to hook up. And at that point she'll know that she broke up with her last boyfriend on her own, that she is really ready for a new relationship, and that you were the perfect choice. THAT is what makes relationships that are super-strong.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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