She wants to know but refuses to tell

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
She's 40 and I'm 38. I've told her about my past relationships, yet she will not tell me anything about hers. I was married for many years, now divorced, and had few relationships. She's never been married and I suspect she doesn't want to tell me about numerous relationships she's had.

How can I trust her if she hides her past? How can I know if I'm just another chapter in a book of many chapters or if we may be the last chapter for each other? Maybe she's had no long term relationships, and if so, I need to know that it would be new to her, and take extra effort, if our relationship lasted. I need to know where I stand in the scope of her life.

She's asked about my past and I answered most of her questions until I reached the point where I said she needs to tell me about her past before I disclose any more. Why does she ask about my past, but doesn't tell me about hers? Advice
That's definitely very interesting. Revealing your past is a time-elapse sort of thing. You don't just dump the full sordid details of all relationships on someone at the first date. But by the time you are seriously dating, you really should have talked about the relationships you've had in the past. For many reasons.

One, it helps you both understand each other. The whole point of having a relationship is to fully trust, be honest with and understand the other person. A major part of a person's personality is how they have treated others and been treated by others in the past. So knowing what they enjoyed, what they hated, what drove them insane, what the issues were, all help you avoid those issues in the future. If you know that their favorite song was "XXXX" and then when you're in a mall and "XXXX" comes on the radio, you'll know why she gets teary-eyed. It's not so you can "get jealous" - that would be a bad reaction. It would be so you *understand* what she is feeling and can sympathize.

Maybe she's worried about how you'll react to her information. Which would be bad, because again the whole point of a relationship is to trust each other and be honest. If she can't even trust you with news about her past, how can you trust her to be honest about things in her present? The past is in the past. It helped form her, but it isn't what she is now.

I would read the info on my site about how to have a serious discussion, and set the scene. Then sit down with her and say in a non-confrontatonal way, that she really has to TRUST you for this to work. That you have been open and honest and communicative - something many women dream for in a guy!! So you would now like her to be open and honest and communicative in return, and that you will listen without judging and without interrupting. You want to know because you care for her and want to understand her.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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