Dealing with an Affair

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My husband has been deployed for three months and I don't know many people here at Fort B. So many people prey on your situation and your loneliness. Recently I got drunk with a friend who took somewhat of an advantage of me. I eventually gave in and felt horrible about it and still do.

It's killing me because I love my husband and didn't wanna be the wife who cheated especially while he was away. I am so horrible. I know I am going to tell him when he gets home. I know he will forgive me but its knowing that I hurt him and dealing with seeing the hurt in his eyes. I don't know how I will ever get through this. I just miss him and love him so much. I am never drinking around anyone or trusting anyone except for my husband.

What should I do? How can I deal with getting through this? How do I show him it was the biggest mistake of mylife and I love him dearly and only him? Advice
Like you said, some people deliberately prey on those who are in this situation. Many, many military relationships fail because of the distance and because of the partners actively fooling around. So in one sense, in the grand scheme of things, the fact that you were taken advantage of while you were drunk is more like a normal 'pressured date rape' thing than any of the more "normal" problems that happen in military relationships.

That sort of a relationship is super-hard and you're bound to make mistakes somewhere along the way despite your best efforts. And you feel awful and know it was a mistake, and you're going to be honest with your husband about it. All of these are very, very good things. Your husband, being in the military, knows all about how rough it is on wives and how some guys use this situation. So he hopefully, while upset, will be understanding about the situation in general.

Since this is such a common problem, I am sure there are therapists and people around for you to talk with. Go talk to someone about it and get the ball rolling. When your husband gets back, have him come and join you to help him get through his side of the issues. I think if he sees what a concerted effort you are making to resolving the problem and making sure your marriage stays strong, he will work with you to keep it going.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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