Stay with Intimate-few-Emotions, or go back to Friends-no-intimacy?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I broke up with A after 3 years together - 2 long distance. She was great at first but in the last year became cold and distant. I assumed it was just the long distance, but after the 3rd year we broke up. I then tried to stay in touch and even wrote her, but she was hostile in return.

I'm now dating B who is very warm and loving, but isn't as much as a 'talkative friend' as A was in the first years that I knew her. I miss those early years with A. I feel badly that even though I'm with B, I sometimes think of those early times with A. Should I try to go back to A now? Advice
I know that you really miss A and think it was a mistake to break up. However, people don't break up if things are perfectly happy. It sounds like many things were wrong with that relationship and that you two weren't able to find solutions. First, being apart for 2 years after only being together for 1 is incredibly hard and very few people would survive that. For you guys to survive 2 years of it is quite an achievement. For her to have a fit, refuse to talk to you and then be cold and petulant when you sent her a wonderful letter just point out more that she was not much of a communicator. Most women would be THRILLED to get that kind of letter and that kind of communication level. So for her to be *cold* is quite unreasonable.

It sounds like A was having serious issues with the relationship for the full last year you two were together. Most long distance relationships become sexual firebeds when the two get together, because they were apart for so long. Instead, she grew cold and distant. She didn't want you to touch her. That usually indicates a hostility and anger. So she already had these issues forming even before you made the breakup official.

Yes people tend to have less SEX as they get older. It's because they run out of energy and hormones :) But if anything, they tend to get far CUDDLIER. They treasure the touch, the backrubs and the snuggling. For her to be actively pulling away really indicates that something serious was wrong. She just wouldn't talk about it - and when you did, she wasn't even able to communicate then.

I know it's easy to dream about the "good parts" of a relationship and wish that things could be like that. But it's important to be very realistic and honest when looking at life, so that you avoid mistakes and learn and go on. It sounds like this relationshp with A just wasn't meant to be, and that it collapsed for a full year before the final break occured. I think you should accept that she was good for you at a point in your life - and that point is in the past. That the woman you have now does have a healthy interest in you, in intimacy with you and that together you can build that into something more.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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