PLEASE help - I love him!
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last week (we're both 23) - I'm so confused and hurt. Things were fantastic! He always said he loved me so much and he's never been more happy or fulfilled and that I was incredible. He'd say things like, "Don't ever not tell me how you feel because you're afraid I'm going to leave - my picture is over there, I'm not going anywhere." He got me a beautiful ring for Valentine's Day & on the card wrote, "Through thick & thin always." We talked about moving to New York City together (he brought it up, I never pushed it).
I noticed that he had seemed really stressed recently - his job is stressful and he has lots of interests - he's in 2 bands, likes to go the the gym, etc. Plus, he has this phobia that if he doesn't go out with his friends enough, they'll stop calling, period. He seemed distant, & I was concerned that he wasn't putting as much into this as I was & he agreed - he said he definitely needed to prioritize because I'm important to him & he didn't want to screw up what we had.
Then, last week, he wanted to talk and said he didn't know if he could put more into this relationship (I was happy with how things were). He said he can't put in 110% like I can. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes, that I'm incredible and he was very clear about how he feels about me...just unsure of the relationship. We went back and forth for hours - he said he feels like a constant disappointment - but it's nothing I do to make him feel that way. He just feels horrible when he can't be with me and it makes him miserable. I said I have no problem with him hanging out with his friends, doing other things - I just want to know that I'm important to him. Well, eventually he said "maybe we shouldn't be together" - after saying earlier that it wasn't his intention to come over & break up. He said he "just can't do this right now."
I love him so much - I don't know what to do! I don't understand how he can tell me how great everything is one week, then run away from it all. Please give me some advice! Is this fear of commitment? I'm not asking him to marry me, by any means - just a nice, monogamous relationship, which was what we had.
First thing to do is give it a little time before panicking.
It's only been one week since this happened and he is likely to come back singing a different tune when he realizes how much he misses you.
You didn't say whether you parted as friends or not. If you did, take advantage of the closeness of friendship to remind him of how desirable you are and how undemanding you are. If you didn't part as friends then ask him if you can call him once a week just to see how he is doing and to let him know you still care.
My sense is that he takes pride in whatever activity he is involved with. He feels he is failing with you so he decided to step away. And, you mentioned he felt stressed out so maybe he thought he would be less stressed without you... but my guess is he will find himself more stressed without you.
Think of ways you have helped him out and see if you can continue to offer him these services so he recognizes how much he owes you.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com