Marrying your Best Friend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been friends with this wonderful girl turned woman since 1992. She and I dated in 7th grade which was very short lived, and rightly so... We were 12 or 13!!! Throughout highschool I have always had a crush on her but left it under wraps. We became best friends and have remained so with a few fights here and there. In fact, I gave her a high school graduation present of a refrigerator magnet that says, "Happiness is marrying your best friend."

Now throughout the years, our friendship has probably cost both of us 4 or 5 relationships because my girlfriend or her boyfriend gets jealous of our relationship. Although she acknowledges this, she says I am more of her brother. I have talked to my mother about my feelings for her and how I have thought about just asking her to marry me. My mother was blunt and said, "Why don't you? You two have much in common and I think you are right for each other."

Well that leaves two if us... How do I get the third? The one that matters. Advice
She says you're like a brother thinking this is a bad thing. It sounds like she grew up on princess romance tales where the guy is some sort of 'unknown dark knight' that rides in and she is swept off passionately with. However, real love comes after really knowing someone and understanding them. You don't really love someone until that lust and passion has worn off - and you are left with what you both ARE, not just what your hormones are pushing you to do. If you care for each other and enjoy being together at that point, that is what love is all about.

Look at older couples who are happy together. They aren't playing those knight-and-princess games!! They are fond of each other, care for each other. They are best friends. That is what love is all ABOUT. Sex desires fade over time. Your looks fade over time! The most important thing you can possibly have with another person is the friendship, and caring, and fondness that lasts throughout the years. And you guys have that.

I would get one of the many movies out there about friends-who-hook-up and do a movie night with her and watch it together. And then afterwards, I would tell her that you are that best friend, who will be there for her through thick and thin, and that your love and loyalty will last through years where other more idiotic reasons for being with someone (dashing looks, foreign accent) long fade into meaninglessness. And that the qualities of a brother ARE what most women treasure after long years of contented marriage. Because those are love, caring, tenderness, loyalty, and trust. There isn't much else you could ask for.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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