Lopsided Passion in a Relationship
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Is it healthy to remain in a relationship that seems lopsided? I believe that I have more passion for my fiance than he has for me. My gut feeling is that he cares for me because I love him so much. If I express a need, he'll try to fulfill it, but little is ever initiated on his part. It's as if he just wants to make sure I don't leave the relationship and is doing "upkeep" to keep me here.
Do I read this as a difference in how some show their love or do I have a concrete reason for ending a relationship with a man that I love with all of my heart?
I'm hurt because I need to feel more passion from him!
PS: I've told him this many times and he does what he can, but it's never enough for me to feel truly loved.
One of the more painful lessons that most of us have to learn in life is that it's almost impossible to find a partner that is perfectly matched on the passion scale. You hear all the jokes about the guy that is saddled with the non-sexual wife, where he always wants to be with her and she pushes him away. But just as often, the woman is sexual and wants to be held and touched, and the guy just isn't excited by it. It's not that anything is "wrong", but every single human has his/her normal level of touch and intimacy. The chances of two people being perfectly in tune is slim, and the resulting friction can range from small annoyance to complete frustration.
As you grow older, your drive for sex tends to lessen. So while this can be a HUGE problem while you're younger, it actually does ease as time goes on. Also, this guy sounds like he honestly does care for you, but it just doesn't come to mind for him to start things because he doesn't feel those urges.
It's sort of like if you were full - the last thought on your mind would be hunger. Now say you were wandering around with your guy at a fair and he was really hungry. But you wouldn't know! You're stuffed. The last thing on your mind is food. So even subtle hints he drops about food are probably ignored. He has to be an adult and say "I'm hungry, we're going to stop for food now." And of course you'll go along. It's not bad or good, we each as adults have to know our needs and state them.
As a final comment - you don't feel truly loved because he doesn't ravage you constantly?? Love and sex are COMPLETELY different things. If you are demanding he has sex with you constantly in order to prove his love for you, it might be time to talk with a therapist. You should trust in him and accept his love. If you make him prove it all the time - no matter how - something is unusual in how you perceive what love really is. Love is NOT about "proving it".
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com