Do I intimidate him?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female

Hi George,

I sent you a question earlier about "guys wanting girls to act like bitches." I never gave him the letter, and had not called (which I had done one a week to see how he was after the break-up) him or seen him for almost three weeks.

I was standing outside one day on campus talking on my phone, and he walked by. I gave him a bright smile and waved, and he stopped and smiled back and approached me. I put my phone down and he asked how I was, vice versa. Then he gave me a hug. It was a one armed hug, as he was smoking, and it was not a crushing hug, but not a flimsy hug either. An affectionate hug. Then he asked how classes were, and I said "busy, but I am really enjoying it." I asked him the same, and he simply said "busy." He looked tired and stressed, but somewhat happy to see me. He said he didn't want to keep me from what I was doing and I said "ok," and he said he'd see me later and walked off. I waved and told him in a nonchalant tone to "give me a call sometime."

The next week I saw him walk by and I flagged him down. Since he was nice to me before, and I wanted to ask for the rest of my belongings that he had. I cried out his name, and he stopped and I ran up to him and was very nice and sweet, but basically asked for my things straight out (I didn't ask how he was, etc.). He didn't have one of the things, but he said the rest were in his car. We walked out to the parking lot, and he didn't say a word to me. So I had to ask him how he was, if he was going to enter this competition at school. He said he was, that he was busy with that and on his way to take care of business relating to that. When we got to his car, he opened the trunk and gave me a sack with my stuff. He handed it to me and I thanked him. I couldn't look at him. He seemed off somehow, and I know he was moody and stressed out. I wanted to resort to my emotional ways and ask him if he was mad at me, or if he did not want to be friends, but I took control and did not. He stood there and said, "well, bye." I looked at him and told him bye and walked away. I hesitated and slightly tilted my head and added, "have a good day," and got the hell out of there. I was very nice to him, and both times when he saw me, I looked very confident, radiant. Why does he look so miserable when he got what he wanted?

He didn't make it into that comp, so I called him a few days later. I got his voice mail and left a polite message, saying it was "nice running into him, that I was thinking about him and how he and his parents are doing, and that I was sorry he did not make it into the comp, since I knew he must have put a lot of work into it, see you later, goodbye." He didn't call back, and I didn't expect any sort of reaction. I called him for me, because that is what I do when I am concerned about people I care about.

A few days later I was again outside talking to a friend (looking happy and confident). I was leaning against this brick barrier, and saw him walk by (he was about 20-30 feet away). I saw him from the corner of my eye, but did not turn, and I'm sure that he thought that I did not see him since my body was slightly turned away from his direction. He did turn his head and looked at me, but did not approach me and walked on. Two days later I was in the parking lot with two other girls talking and laughing. They had been telling me to be direct and honest with him, since he has never seen me get visibly angry, and although I wouldn't go ballistic on him, I want to tell him that I don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated me. I was always so timid around him, so meek, and lately I have been more confident, trying to take control of me, smiling and believing in myself, that my self worth comes from me, and not from whatever he told me. And it has worked to some degree, as I have been getting more male atttention since we have been broken up than ever before, and gone out on several dates.

As we were talking, he drove up in his car (I thought he was already on campus). I freaked a little, and said that I thought that was "his car." Of course the other two girls looked, and told me to use this opportunity to talk to him. I panicked, saying my nerve failed me and that it wasn't the right time. I didn't look to see where he had parked, and one of the girls did and he took a long time to get out of his car. I decided to just leave and go back to the building and said bye to the girls and walked away. Normally he walks to his building the same way, so I hurried and went into this store to get some supplies. When I came out, I saw him from a distance go towards his building. He had gone a different way and had evaded me! I thought that was funny, and was a little impressed as he had put thought and effort into that move, and had taken a break from routine (which he is a devout disciple of routine).

I wondered if he was intimidated by me, scared that there were three girls who know what he has done, didn't want to deal with me, was worried that I was going to ambush him and yell at him? If he had really wanted to be an @$$hole, he could have just walked past us and not said a word to me.

I do want to talk to him, to let him know that he has acted like a dick to me, and I'll do it in a pleasant, but firm manner. I feel like I have to do this for me, and it is what I want to do. I want to be direct and honest with him. After the first break-up I cried (but was still kind to him) and told him why I loved him, and he walked out of there knowing that even though he had broken my heart, I still had him on a pedestal. I didn't show any of that emotion the second time. I was shocked, numb, and just nodded my head and told him he was doing the right thing. I didn't think it was right to give in a little to angrier feelings. I also love him with all my heart and want him to know that, even though my reasoning is that he should know that already so I should not have to tell him.

I would like to confront him about this face to face, but am not sure if he would continually avoid me. I write very well (I had written him a 8-9 page letter the first break-up, and had written him a second letter but he had never read it, as I offered to show it to him after we got back together, but he said his heart wouldn't be able to take it). A guy friend said to wait until he is in his comfort zone and approaches me (like when he hugged me), and then to tell him exactly how I feel. Advice
It may be that he senses that you have a message to give to him.

He probably doesn't want to hear the message and is stand-offish because of that.

My advice is to send him a letter if you want to get the message across.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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