Jealousy is Destroying my Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I have a very painful history with break-ups and every time that I remember everything that has happened in the past, it seems as if I still feel the pain I felt back then.

I am currently in a relationship. I have problems with jealousy. My boyfriend is great and treats me right, but I still feel overwhelmingly jealous. I think that maybe my jealousy arouses from the fear of losing him and feeling that pain again. Either way, I don't know how to stop it.

There are times when he has made me jealous himself. Twice, we were sitting at a cafeteria in school and he checked out some other girl's butt. I felt so jealous that to this date, I can't forget it. I did tell him that it had bothered me the first time. He said that he didn't remember doing that and that he would never do that intentionally. He said he was probably just looking around and it seemed to me as if he was looking at the girl. The second time he did it, I didn't tell him anything. I am so jealous that I don't know when he really triggers it or not. I know that he has eyes and that he can't keep them on me all the time, but I also know that checking other girls out is disrespectful.

At this point, I don't want to bring anything out in the open about me being jealous because I might accuse him of something he didn't do. Sometimes, I feel like breaking up the relationship because I don't want to deal with the pain of jealousy anymore. I need help and I need to find the source of my jealousy, but I don't know how.

It kills me: This summer, he is taking a summer class at some city college. Even though it isn't until a couple of weeks from now, I already feel jealous. I imagine that he might find someone that he might like better than me and just leave me. I also think that this might be due to insecurities about myself. I'm just so afraid of feeling that pain again. sometimes I feel like I'm more afraid of dealing with the pain than of just losing him in particular-like if I don't love him. I think that, that might be one of the reasons why I don't trust him-because I might not love him. At other times, I feel that I do love him.

I know that this might not be making any sense, but I am dying inside. I am afraid of telling anyone about the way I feel. I feel weak and embarassed. I am crying as I am typing this. I can't take all of this confusion anymore. How can I be sure that I love him, and therefore continue the relationship? How do I get rid of my jealousy? How do I find it's origin? I don't want to just leave him and realize that I love him and that I miss him too much.

The thouhgt that he was checking someone else out makes me feel so sad and ugly. Overall, I fel empty. He treats me right and says that he loves me, but I just can't trust him anymore. I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. Please help me. How do I get help? I have been going to counseling at school, but it doesn't help me. I know for a fact that love is not supposed to feel like this, or is it? Advice
First, it's very, very good that you're talking to someone about this at school. If that isn't helping, I would really suggest either seeing if you can talk to someone else, or most health plans cover therapy for free. Sometimes you don't click with a certain therapist and getting another one makes all the difference in the world.

It really sounds like you feel poorly about yourself and worry about him leaving, and it causes all of these other problems. Yes, guys AND girls have eyes and it's OK for them to look at other people!! It doesn't mean they will leave you or even WANT to leave you. It's like if a dessert tray wheels past you at a restaurant. You tend to look! But it doesn't mean you're going to jump out of your seat and gobble them all up.

If you can't accept that he loves you, and trust in that love without worrying constantly that he will leave you, you really need to find a way to handle that jealousy. If you don't, or if you break up with him, this EXACT same problem is going to happen in every other relationship you have until you get it resolved. In fact it may have been a factor in other relationships which is why this has become such a big issue for you.

I do have a how-to on jealousy -

but it does seem like you need serious help with this. Really, ask for another therapist in school. Talk to your doctor and get one through your health plan. That's what they're there for. Get this resolved now, so that it doesn't cause you even more harm going forward. Think of this as a warning sign, that this is happening to you now. At least right now you can fix it and lead a happy life. If you let it take control of you, it can harm your happiness for years and years.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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