My Ex is a Jerk
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I of two years broke up about two months ago. He started dating someone else about three days after we broke up. He still calls me about every week to find out what is going on in my life and to tell me about his life and how happy he is. He says he wants to still be friends, but I am having a hard time dealing with that, because I still have feelings for him.
I don't understand why he is so interested in my life and why he keeps calling me and wanting to tell me how great his life is. When I see him with her he is a jerk and acts really childish What should I do?
I'm going to make some leaps of reason here, but they seem pretty reasonable. First off, after dating you for 2 years, if he jumped into another relationship in THREE DAYS he is not only on the rebound but he was being incredibly dishonest to you. There is no way someone goes from "fully working on a relationship and trying to make it work" to dating someone else in 3 days. So he had issues about the relationship he didn't bother to talk with you about, and he didn't want to deal with the hurt afterwards so lept into another woman's arms.
So now he doesn't have you. But he doesn't want to feel like "he couldn't have you if he wanted". So he keeps calling to prove you still care enough about him to talk to him. I.e. it wasn't "his fault" your relationship with him fell apart. And he uses those conversations to rub in that "See look! Another woman cares for me! I'm still desireable!" The fact that he acts like a jerk when you show up and he's with her just underscores this. If he really wanted to be your friend, he would go out of his way to make you feel comfortable at those points. But when he has you both in the same area, his two "worlds" collide - his world of making you want to envy him and miss him, and his world of wanting this new woman to prove he is still an attractive guy.
He's already caused you enough damage by his lack of communication and lack of handling your relationship properly. He's undoubtedly going to do the same thing (or worse) to this new woman. I would give him that full opportunity and not drag yourself down into it. You deserve someone who cares for you, who respects you and who will communicate with you instead of running off with someone else when the going gets tough. Tell him that you might be his friend someday - but you need some time to yourself now. And then I would cut him off for 3 months.
If he's a real friend, he'll wait and be there for you. If he is solely using you to prove that "I have a new girl, hah hah" it will drive him crazy to not be able to talk about her to you constantly, to rub it in your face. And who knows, maybe this new girl won't be nearly as intersting to him when he can't "use" her to torment you. In any case, that will give you some peace, and maybe during that time you will run across someone far more deserving of your kindness and patience.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com